I need a big change.

To start over, or something. I am so totally sick of the way I am, of who I am, and even more so of who I've been. I tend to cling to the past too much, and I don't want to do that anymore. In many ways, I have moved on and away from who I used to be but in other ways I haven't. I let go of portions of the past at a time and still hold onto others but... I want to let some of those go, too.

And I don't want to change myself, but I want to make some changes to myself. And my life. If that makes much sense.

This blog is nearing 1000 posts. I'm not kidding. And I look back...and it's all so worthless. At least, it seems so to me. And I started it in the middle of seventh grade, and things from then are...so stupid to look back on. I abhor it a little, honestly. Just from then. Last year wasn't so bad. I know I'll look back hating it eventually too, and this year also.

But I feel like it's kind of worn out, you know? Like this blog is overwhelmed with the sheer volume of crap in my life from the past two years. It's too much. I don't like it. I need a change.

So, for now. I'll call it quits on this one - we'll see how long it lasts, I already took it out of my displayed blogs on my profile. Here's the new one, www.anotherdaylate-oneyearolder.blogspot.com. And, yes, I picked the title/URL solely from Brand New lyrics, because I love them so, and Jesse Lacey quotes are the bizzest. Yeah...bizzest. I don't know. I'm white 'n nerdy. And black, half-black. Sigh, I'm such a complex individual.

I now have a headache.

I had a really, really rough morning, evidently seen in the last blog post, and like most other things, I can't explain it in any other way except that my moods are out of control. It is one extreme to the next for me, and they change so quickly. Sometimes it's back and forth several times today, or I'll drop from an extreme low to an extreme high in nothing flat.

There's obviously something wrong with me. I haven't told my mom about it yet, and I kind of don't want to, even though I know I should. I don't want her to make a big deal out of it; it's not that she overreacts, she just really cares. And that's good, I just don't want to cause any more trouble. We all know I'm a wreck. It's kind of old news by now.

I picked up the tape and the sheet music for my solo today. I am really pleased with it. I'm sure it won't be all that hard. The only thing I could tell I'd have trouble with while going over it today was that there's two kinda long sets of ooohs near the end and I need to practice breathing for that, since obviously I can't take a big breath in the middle. Otherwise it's all good. Solo & Ensemble shouldn't be near as difficult as it was last year.

I spent the day at my grandma's with my lovely cousins. We baked and whatnot. It was good. Got my mind off of shit, which is always good. Mom and Jeff are still out shopping for my Christmas junk. Christmas is so close! And then it's going to be over. The day after Christmas is always so odd. Feels so empty. I almost hate when Christmas approaches because I know that's not too far behind, either.

In the end I'm just scared.

At times, at most times, I feel as though inadequate is all I am and is all I ever will be.

I thought about killing myself last night. That's kind of the norm now, I guess... I just tried to envision what it would be like to drown. I remembered being a kid in my Aunt Mae's swimming pool, Adam jumping in and spraying water everywhere, including up my nose, and not being able to stand it. And I tried to think if I could really let myself be that vulnerable, lose my life to the stuff I shower with everyday, when right now I can't even handle the vulnerability of honestly letting somebody know how I feel.

And then I thought about what I'd leave for everyone. What, nothing. Some crappy unfinished stories that would probably lead them to believe I was a freak. Then again, I suppose that's what I like the most about the idea of death...the romantic aspect of what goes on after you're gone. What's felt by everyone. When I was younger, sixth grade or so, and first thought about this, that's why I wanted to do it. So they'd grieve. For me. And then I wondered if they'd grieve at all.

And then I got into counseling.

And now I don't know where I am. I want to move on, terribly, but nowadays I can't accomplish anything without the assistance of someone else. And I hate asking for help. No, I don't just hate it, I can't do it. I cannot. It's not an exaggeration. I will inevitably fail at anything I do rather than ask somebody for help. Don't ask me why. Missy doesn't get it either. My mom doesn't get. Nobody gets it.

It's admitting weakness, but so is suicide. The only difference is being just weak enough to give up. I don't quite think I'm there yet. I don't think.

Girl in a Cardigan

When I'm super bored, such as the present, I like to pick any random thing from mine or someone else's profile and see who else has the same thing in theirs. Find some interesting blogs that way. This time I did the movie Stranger than Fiction, and in turn found someone I knew I could completely adore - lover of The Office, blog name Girl in a Cardigan. In her second post down she had a list of 100 things about herself, and I always like to read those. People are way too interesting.

Anyway, I came upon this one and even though it's possibly over-said and the same kind of or related statement could be heard in the last lines of narration in any Scrubs episode, that doesn't take away from the fact that it's so true. And I have been dealing with this in a way today, or more so reflecting over the past three weeks in which I have struggled with life, the true worth of it all, and whether it's even worth anything in my case.

It's number eighty-five on her list.

I think I'm starting to realize that life goes on. Even when you need a hug and no one is there to give it. Or when someone inadvertently insults you and doesn't even notice. Or when you realize how unimportant you are in the grand scheme of things. Or when you discover that you are starting to agree with George Bailey: would it really be so bad if I had never been born?

If I wouldn't get sick of talking about myself after the first twenty or so, I'd do a list like that too. I just don't know if anyone could stand reading that much about me anyway.

I looked up The Office quotes today, and now it's my new favorite thing to do. I will spend the rest of Christmas break committing some particularly memorable ones to memory and making it a point to be one of those people who blurts out Office quotes at any given time in Lively's room during lunch, just to look cool.

That was an unnecessarily long sentence...

Rediscovering some old, but not really 'old', songs today, too. 04-05 kind of stuff. Seems old to me because I was what, twelve? Guess I turned thirteen in '05. Holy mackerel. It occurring to anyone that I'll be fifteen in a little more than four months?

That's awkward.

Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?

You mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer.

More Scrubs, yeah. Alotta Scrubs, really.

I slept so much last night. Twelve hours, when I think about it. Probably 'cause I got up at such a ungodly hour yesterday morning...but still.

My mom is home sick today, so. No blaring Green Day and air guitar today. That's too bad. She's going to the doctor eventually, and I think I ought to too, but I don't feel like messing with it. Though I'm almost sure there's something wrong with me.

Since I didn't watch the 100 Greatest Songs of the 90's 'cause I FELL ASLEEP, I have absolutely nothing of particular interest to say. I really don't. Sad or what.

I'm still writing, even though I'm sure it seems like that part of me has died. I find it reignites my interest when I change fonts.

I'm a freak, and I haven't been able to start and thus, cannot finish my counseling homework. Because I am said freak. No other reason, really. I tried and everything.

But today I won't be wondering the house hopelessly pining for food so perhaps I won't have a headache and might be able to do something productive, whatever's available for me to do.

You're never too old to go to space camp, dude.

Wamp would be proud. I finally watched Stranger than Fiction, and it's slightly amazing. Yes, I've been putting it off for weeks. I hate the idea of watching movies, even if I know they're going to be good. It just takes up so much time. I know I'm an eternal time-waster but I really cannot stand staring into a screen for over an hour, unless it's really super captivating.

And this was. Helps that I know and love Will Ferrel like, mega. I can totally see why Wamp loves it, I was bursting out laughing at some parts just because I knew she would too. Heh. She's great. But yeah, I killed a good chunk of my morning with that. I wouldn't have watched it if I hadn't have been so bored, and wouldn't have been so bored if I hadn't woken up so goshdarn early. Still haven't eaten anything though, really... I should do that perhaps. Like I've kind of just been munching on an absurd amount of chocolate periodically throughout the morning. I'm okay with that, but my mom probably won't be. After this I'll go on a search for some real food.

It's only 12:30, bah. Today's going by so slowly - like, I'm all for dragging out vacation as long as possible, but not so much when there's nothing on TV. Because yes, I am a slave to the television. Mainly, Nickelodeon. Until Spongebob Squarepants is on I might as well just forget about it, but what can I say, I get bored. And I'm out of books I think. So it's another What Not to Wear rerun for now.

Meanwhile, I am totally taking advantage of this no one in the house thing, BLARING old Green Day songs that I haven't heard in yearssss. Break is amazing. Break. Is. AMAZING.

Do you see what you get, Carla? Do you see what you get when you mess with the warrior?

I was up SO LATE last night. Hehe. I'M ON BREAK. It's made me crazy. That, and the four hours of sleep I suppose. BUT OH GOSH. I'm so happy. It's over, ugh. There are still some losers at school who chose to take finals, Levi, for instance - I don't get that, but that's just me.

I had planned to like, talk about yesterday today, because I fell asleep at six last night and woke up at eight and was in a total daze, and some things went down... But nothing all that important, now that I think about it.

Do you know what's sad? My grade in gym is higher than my grade in English. ALL my grades are higher than my grade in English. I feel kind of like a letdown. Why do I suck at English? I dunno. But it seems pretty lame.

Sarah got me chocolate yesterday. What a sweetheart. She got out of having to take finals, too, per her insane mother & father. I'm glad for that. If she's got A's - high A's - in all her classes, hasn't missed ANY days aside from all the school trips she's had to take, why on earth would you force her to take finals? That is just wrong. But, she got out of it, like said. Claps for her.

I've watched so much Scrubs lately. It's drilled into my brain, see title. I will be doing ANYTHING, a Scrubs scene will pop into my head, and I am on the floor rolling. It's really kind of ridiculous, but I'm a maniac like that.

Oh, counseling. That was yesterday. Eh. It was awkward, to say the least. If I hate anything more than bad things that happened to me in the past, it's bad things from the past that still seep into the present somehow. And we talked about that. And I lied. I didn't want to, but I don't know how not to in a situation like that. Because everybody's clueless, and I just...figure I might as well not. I have a pretty hard time steering conversation back in the right direction when we're getting off track, so I usually just go along with it. And same with this. She asked me something I couldn't not say no to, but I didn't feel like messing with the truth. So I said no.

For someone who's, you know, anxious to the point of internally combusting on occasions, people seem completely oblivious to when I lie. It's awful in a cool kind of way. It's not like I lie a lot, normally I never lie, and that's in all honesty. Just about so-called 'big' stuff that I don't like telling the truth about. And this was one of those things, and I feel more guilty about lying now than I feel about the actual truth. Because the truth isn't so bad, I think, I just don't want other people thinking it is...does that make sense? Eh, if not, too bad. That's all I've got this morning.

Mmm, it's just another Monday.

Today was lovely in some aspects; horrible in others. I talked to my mom after school and eliminated some of the negativity that was hovering around me during the majority of today, so I feel better, but that doesn't totally destroy all the negatives about today. I still don't know why I do this to myself, I still don't understand anything I do. I guess...in retrospect, some small things that he does don't seem as huge of a deal as they do in the present. But isn't it just as important? If I come home daily upset over these little things, doesn't that make it a big enough issue in the big picture? Or does whatever else he does make up for it in the end?

I don't know. It's confusing. After tomorrow I won't have to think about it for a while.

Anyway, we watched movies in three classes today. Randomly, in show choir - we got some time to kill, let's watch Top Gun! Also, we finished Romeo & Juliet in English - I'm sorry, but I laughed. The play is lovely, but the movie is...absurd, I'm sorry. Leonardo DiCaprio is delish, but it's sooo completely over-dramatic, I couldn't take it. I told Sarah as he was dying and Juliet was about to kill herself, he should've popped up and been like "Just kidding!" That oughta be an alternate ending on the DVD or something, it really should.

Then, in yearbook, due to her mild obsession, Wampler had us watch the beginning of Elizabethtown. It's a good show. I love Orlando Bloom in it. "Did I miss 60B?!" That had us rolling. When he was driving and saw the Welcome to Indiana sign. Hehe. It's all I'm looking forward to at school tomorrow, basically.

Though I still hope it snows twenty inches and we get a snow day. But that's why I'm a dreamer.

During lunch, I shunned Mr. Lively's spaghetti, drafted Sarah into my plot to kill Mr. Chesterfield over Christmas break, and told Matt I hoped he burned to death in a fiery explosion and he thought I said I hoped he burned to death in a fire extinguisher.

Got my solo picked out too. I Know Where I'm Going or something like that. I think it'll be all right.

We got a one-hour delay, but that's not much.

So school starts at nine and I'm waiting.

I really don't know what good a one hour delay will do, except that it'll be lighter outside? High doubts it'll be much warmer. But I guess, what do I know.

I have to pick out my solo today... There are two we've narrowed it down to: Follow the Drinking Gourd and I Know Where I'm Going. I'm feeling whichever one is the easiest, to be honest. I'm not in the mood for much of a challenge; doing division two is going to be hard enough. I still don't get the logic behind that. But again, what do I know.

I have a geometry test in roughly an hour and a half. I might want to look at my conjectures or something. But some complicated thing deep inside is telling me not to care.

I still have those weird chills. I have a feeling it may be another affect of going off my medicine. But I mean, I can't tell a major difference yet. I keep wigging out over trivial things, but that's really nothing new. And I seem to be able to get over it faster, because it's always more intense. Like I'm not moping around the house in complete sadness all the time...I just have spurts of crying, and then I listen to a little Duresse (NEW FAVORITE MUCHHH) and I'm all better. For the time being.

Ughh. Chills. Today might suck a beef stick or two.

I'm still not feeling all that great today.

I blame the emotional aspects of it on the medicine. Sure, I'm not bawling my eyes out 24/7 but I am crying an awful lot lately. I stopped taking it, I don't know why. I want to see, besides what happens temporarily when I first get off it, if I'm okay without it. Like, in the next few weeks or so. Because...I don't know. I don't like relying on medicine, I really don't. It's hard to explain, I just don't want to do it.

But anyway, I've felt really weird this weekend anyway. My stomach is upset, like always. But I feel really weak/tired...I almost fell down today at church, when we stand up for worship. I can't keep my balance very well. I'm not sure what's wrong, really. I'm not sick. Just not well, I guess.

I have bio vocab to do today. It sucks a major beef stick, I know. But I'll do it eventually. The Grosseltern just came over for lunch, so yeah. Gotta visitate and what not - yeah, I'm all about new words and whatnot.

During a hymn in church today, I sang the word "Santa" instead of "Satan". Oops.

Our winter storm warning was canceled, but it hasn't been for everything north of us, and I think Indy is still supposed to get pretty hard so I'm glad I stayed home. I would've absolutely HATED to have gone and then gotten stuck up there because of ice or whatever, missed Monday and had to take finals.

Cory was a loser and missed Friday, so I think he's going to have to. What a lame-o.

Today's my mom's birthday, so my grandma came over and we had dinner. She asked me how to say she's forty-one in German. Ich bin einundveirzig Jahre alt. Heh. [:

I finished my book today, woo. Right before dinner, I went ahead and read the last ten pages and totally cried. Heh. I get so emotionally attached to characters it's freaking awful. But I love books like that, where I have to seriously remind myself that these people don't actually exist, you know? 'Cause for the time being they do.

I don't feel well today, though. After I got a shower this afternoon (essence of my Saturdays) I was all shaky, I've had chills and now after having dinner I feel terribly weak. Not sick, like with a cold or anything, but just...not well. Ill, I suppose. Meh. Ah well. I'll tough it out.

Only two more days. I really hope something good happens those two days, too. I'd like to end this semester and start Christmas break on a good note. Or at least, not on a really depressing bad one. Because going all break dreading going back to school is just like, the suckiest feeling ever.

Change of plans.

I decided not to go to the Mexican restaurant with yearbook tonight, just because I didn't feel up to it and this week has REALLY taken a lot out of me. So I thought I might be able to go to my dad's tonight instead of tomorrow morning. Now, I'm not going at all. Because of stupid snow. And sleet. And ice. And it's totally all over the weather channel, and at first I was a little upset because I was actually looking forward to see my dad and I don't want him to be upset now that I can't come, but now I'm just kind of, okay. Staying home isn't so bad. I'm super tired anyway. They're just supposed to get a lot of snow up there, and ice too, more than us, so I hope he's okay and doesn't be a crazyface and try to trudge through all the snow in that little Taurus; I don't know how much more that car can take.

In better news, today, Cory was gone so that gave Sarah and I an opportunity to talk during lunch. I was trying to explain to her that Cory likes Kylee (as discreetly as possible because she was in there today) but of course, Matt was there and he had to butt in. We stopped talking altogether but he was able to find out who we were talking about, Cory and Kylee and me. And Matt was being, well, gay, you know. All giggly and stuff, he was having a pretty major fag boy day today. And I mean that as nicely as possible. But...yeah. We were talking. And it was good talk, not bad talk. And... I don't really know what to think now, but yeah, that's just because he wasn't here. And I haven't had a chance to talk to my mom yet, and... I don't know, I don't feel so hopeless/stupid/worthless now. It just takes me a second, you know? I get super cooped up in my own perspective and I kind of forget about everything/everyone else, and for the first time today when I got the...nth opinion that he may like me, I didn't immediately call it off or ask myself why. Probably 'cause Matt actually stated it as a fact more than anything, but still.

Matt was like, "He just didn't think you wanted to 'date' or whatever." And I just kind of looked at Sarah and laughed. That's true, but it totally reminded me of something else so I got off-topic and that was kind of the end of that. We watched more of Romeo & Juliet today and OMIGOD. We're going to Verona. Apparently it's the place to be.

Hah, I can't even begin to explain. The way conversation flows between us in that class. Garrett and Jeremiah were shooting heroin, for God's sake. I basically LOVE that movie. It makes me laugh so hard, even though I don't think it's supposed to. I'm sorry, but you can't be in modern times and speak Old English and kill people left and right and expect me not to be doubled over in violent laughter, constantly. You. Just. Can't.

I'm almost done with my book. Like, seriously close. Less than ten pages probably. I was jut way too into conversation during lunch to read, and show choir was like, work-on-German-time. And make fun of Kelsey for obsessing over Marilyn Monroe...time. German, I didn't do much. Just stare at the empty desk next to me and feel really, really, really sad.

But Matt is my new best friend. LOL, LIKE HE WASN'T ALREADY. I love that little fag boy. So today was good.