Rescue Me?

I need a big change.

2007-12-21T20:37:00.000-05:00

To start over, or something. I am so totally sick of the way I am, of who I am, and even more so of who I've been. I tend to cling to the past too much, and I don't want to do that anymore. In many ways, I have moved on and away from who I used to be but in other ways I haven't. I let go of portions of the past at a time and still hold onto others but... I want to let some of those go, too.

And I don't want to change myself, but I want to make some changes to myself. And my life. If that makes much sense.

This blog is nearing 1000 posts. I'm not kidding. And I look back...and it's all so worthless. At least, it seems so to me. And I started it in the middle of seventh grade, and things from then are...so stupid to look back on. I abhor it a little, honestly. Just from then. Last year wasn't so bad. I know I'll look back hating it eventually too, and this year also.

But I feel like it's kind of worn out, you know? Like this blog is overwhelmed with the sheer volume of crap in my life from the past two years. It's too much. I don't like it. I need a change.

So, for now. I'll call it quits on this one - we'll see how long it lasts, I already took it out of my displayed blogs on my profile. Here's the new one, www.anotherdaylate-oneyearolder.blogspot.com. And, yes, I picked the title/URL solely from Brand New lyrics, because I love them so, and Jesse Lacey quotes are the bizzest. Yeah...bizzest. I don't know. I'm white 'n nerdy. And black, half-black. Sigh, I'm such a complex individual.

I now have a headache.

2007-12-21T17:39:00.000-05:00

I had a really, really rough morning, evidently seen in the last blog post, and like most other things, I can't explain it in any other way except that my moods are out of control. It is one extreme to the next for me, and they change so quickly. Sometimes it's back and forth several times today, or I'll drop from an extreme low to an extreme high in nothing flat.

There's obviously something wrong with me. I haven't told my mom about it yet, and I kind of don't want to, even though I know I should. I don't want her to make a big deal out of it; it's not that she overreacts, she just really cares. And that's good, I just don't want to cause any more trouble. We all know I'm a wreck. It's kind of old news by now.

I picked up the tape and the sheet music for my solo today. I am really pleased with it. I'm sure it won't be all that hard. The only thing I could tell I'd have trouble with while going over it today was that there's two kinda long sets of ooohs near the end and I need to practice breathing for that, since obviously I can't take a big breath in the middle. Otherwise it's all good. Solo & Ensemble shouldn't be near as difficult as it was last year.

I spent the day at my grandma's with my lovely cousins. We baked and whatnot. It was good. Got my mind off of shit, which is always good. Mom and Jeff are still out shopping for my Christmas junk. Christmas is so close! And then it's going to be over. The day after Christmas is always so odd. Feels so empty. I almost hate when Christmas approaches because I know that's not too far behind, either.

In the end I'm just scared.

2007-12-21T09:20:00.001-05:00

At times, at most times, I feel as though inadequate is all I am and is all I ever will be.

I thought about killing myself last night. That's kind of the norm now, I guess... I just tried to envision what it would be like to drown. I remembered being a kid in my Aunt Mae's swimming pool, Adam jumping in and spraying water everywhere, including up my nose, and not being able to stand it. And I tried to think if I could really let myself be that vulnerable, lose my life to the stuff I shower with everyday, when right now I can't even handle the vulnerability of honestly letting somebody know how I feel.

And then I thought about what I'd leave for everyone. What, nothing. Some crappy unfinished stories that would probably lead them to believe I was a freak. Then again, I suppose that's what I like the most about the idea of death...the romantic aspect of what goes on after you're gone. What's felt by everyone. When I was younger, sixth grade or so, and first thought about this, that's why I wanted to do it. So they'd grieve. For me. And then I wondered if they'd grieve at all.

And then I got into counseling.

And now I don't know where I am. I want to move on, terribly, but nowadays I can't accomplish anything without the assistance of someone else. And I hate asking for help. No, I don't just hate it, I can't do it. I cannot. It's not an exaggeration. I will inevitably fail at anything I do rather than ask somebody for help. Don't ask me why. Missy doesn't get it either. My mom doesn't get. Nobody gets it.

It's admitting weakness, but so is suicide. The only difference is being just weak enough to give up. I don't quite think I'm there yet. I don't think.

Girl in a Cardigan

2007-12-20T18:17:00.000-05:00

When I'm super bored, such as the present, I like to pick any random thing from mine or someone else's profile and see who else has the same thing in theirs. Find some interesting blogs that way. This time I did the movie Stranger than Fiction, and in turn found someone I knew I could completely adore - lover of The Office, blog name Girl in a Cardigan. In her second post down she had a list of 100 things about herself, and I always like to read those. People are way too interesting.

Anyway, I came upon this one and even though it's possibly over-said and the same kind of or related statement could be heard in the last lines of narration in any Scrubs episode, that doesn't take away from the fact that it's so true. And I have been dealing with this in a way today, or more so reflecting over the past three weeks in which I have struggled with life, the true worth of it all, and whether it's even worth anything in my case.

It's number eighty-five on her list.

I think I'm starting to realize that life goes on. Even when you need a hug and no one is there to give it. Or when someone inadvertently insults you and doesn't even notice. Or when you realize how unimportant you are in the grand scheme of things. Or when you discover that you are starting to agree with George Bailey: would it really be so bad if I had never been born?

If I wouldn't get sick of talking about myself after the first twenty or so, I'd do a list like that too. I just don't know if anyone could stand reading that much about me anyway.

I looked up The Office quotes today, and now it's my new favorite thing to do. I will spend the rest of Christmas break committing some particularly memorable ones to memory and making it a point to be one of those people who blurts out Office quotes at any given time in Lively's room during lunch, just to look cool.

That was an unnecessarily long sentence...

Rediscovering some old, but not really 'old', songs today, too. 04-05 kind of stuff. Seems old to me because I was what, twelve? Guess I turned thirteen in '05. Holy mackerel. It occurring to anyone that I'll be fifteen in a little more than four months?

That's awkward.

Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?

2007-12-20T11:11:00.001-05:00

You mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer.

More Scrubs, yeah. Alotta Scrubs, really.

I slept so much last night. Twelve hours, when I think about it. Probably 'cause I got up at such a ungodly hour yesterday morning...but still.

My mom is home sick today, so. No blaring Green Day and air guitar today. That's too bad. She's going to the doctor eventually, and I think I ought to too, but I don't feel like messing with it. Though I'm almost sure there's something wrong with me.

Since I didn't watch the 100 Greatest Songs of the 90's 'cause I FELL ASLEEP, I have absolutely nothing of particular interest to say. I really don't. Sad or what.

I'm still writing, even though I'm sure it seems like that part of me has died. I find it reignites my interest when I change fonts.

I'm a freak, and I haven't been able to start and thus, cannot finish my counseling homework. Because I am said freak. No other reason, really. I tried and everything.

But today I won't be wondering the house hopelessly pining for food so perhaps I won't have a headache and might be able to do something productive, whatever's available for me to do.

You're never too old to go to space camp, dude.

2007-12-19T12:29:00.001-05:00

Wamp would be proud. I finally watched Stranger than Fiction, and it's slightly amazing. Yes, I've been putting it off for weeks. I hate the idea of watching movies, even if I know they're going to be good. It just takes up so much time. I know I'm an eternal time-waster but I really cannot stand staring into a screen for over an hour, unless it's really super captivating.

And this was. Helps that I know and love Will Ferrel like, mega. I can totally see why Wamp loves it, I was bursting out laughing at some parts just because I knew she would too. Heh. She's great. But yeah, I killed a good chunk of my morning with that. I wouldn't have watched it if I hadn't have been so bored, and wouldn't have been so bored if I hadn't woken up so goshdarn early. Still haven't eaten anything though, really... I should do that perhaps. Like I've kind of just been munching on an absurd amount of chocolate periodically throughout the morning. I'm okay with that, but my mom probably won't be. After this I'll go on a search for some real food.

It's only 12:30, bah. Today's going by so slowly - like, I'm all for dragging out vacation as long as possible, but not so much when there's nothing on TV. Because yes, I am a slave to the television. Mainly, Nickelodeon. Until Spongebob Squarepants is on I might as well just forget about it, but what can I say, I get bored. And I'm out of books I think. So it's another What Not to Wear rerun for now.

Meanwhile, I am totally taking advantage of this no one in the house thing, BLARING old Green Day songs that I haven't heard in yearssss. Break is amazing. Break. Is. AMAZING.

Do you see what you get, Carla? Do you see what you get when you mess with the warrior?

2007-12-19T07:38:00.000-05:00

I was up SO LATE last night. Hehe. I'M ON BREAK. It's made me crazy. That, and the four hours of sleep I suppose. BUT OH GOSH. I'm so happy. It's over, ugh. There are still some losers at school who chose to take finals, Levi, for instance - I don't get that, but that's just me.

I had planned to like, talk about yesterday today, because I fell asleep at six last night and woke up at eight and was in a total daze, and some things went down... But nothing all that important, now that I think about it.

Do you know what's sad? My grade in gym is higher than my grade in English. ALL my grades are higher than my grade in English. I feel kind of like a letdown. Why do I suck at English? I dunno. But it seems pretty lame.

Sarah got me chocolate yesterday. What a sweetheart. She got out of having to take finals, too, per her insane mother & father. I'm glad for that. If she's got A's - high A's - in all her classes, hasn't missed ANY days aside from all the school trips she's had to take, why on earth would you force her to take finals? That is just wrong. But, she got out of it, like said. Claps for her.

I've watched so much Scrubs lately. It's drilled into my brain, see title. I will be doing ANYTHING, a Scrubs scene will pop into my head, and I am on the floor rolling. It's really kind of ridiculous, but I'm a maniac like that.

Oh, counseling. That was yesterday. Eh. It was awkward, to say the least. If I hate anything more than bad things that happened to me in the past, it's bad things from the past that still seep into the present somehow. And we talked about that. And I lied. I didn't want to, but I don't know how not to in a situation like that. Because everybody's clueless, and I just...figure I might as well not. I have a pretty hard time steering conversation back in the right direction when we're getting off track, so I usually just go along with it. And same with this. She asked me something I couldn't not say no to, but I didn't feel like messing with the truth. So I said no.

For someone who's, you know, anxious to the point of internally combusting on occasions, people seem completely oblivious to when I lie. It's awful in a cool kind of way. It's not like I lie a lot, normally I never lie, and that's in all honesty. Just about so-called 'big' stuff that I don't like telling the truth about. And this was one of those things, and I feel more guilty about lying now than I feel about the actual truth. Because the truth isn't so bad, I think, I just don't want other people thinking it is...does that make sense? Eh, if not, too bad. That's all I've got this morning.

Mmm, it's just another Monday.

2007-12-17T16:26:00.000-05:00

Today was lovely in some aspects; horrible in others. I talked to my mom after school and eliminated some of the negativity that was hovering around me during the majority of today, so I feel better, but that doesn't totally destroy all the negatives about today. I still don't know why I do this to myself, I still don't understand anything I do. I guess...in retrospect, some small things that he does don't seem as huge of a deal as they do in the present. But isn't it just as important? If I come home daily upset over these little things, doesn't that make it a big enough issue in the big picture? Or does whatever else he does make up for it in the end?

I don't know. It's confusing. After tomorrow I won't have to think about it for a while.

Anyway, we watched movies in three classes today. Randomly, in show choir - we got some time to kill, let's watch Top Gun! Also, we finished Romeo & Juliet in English - I'm sorry, but I laughed. The play is lovely, but the movie is...absurd, I'm sorry. Leonardo DiCaprio is delish, but it's sooo completely over-dramatic, I couldn't take it. I told Sarah as he was dying and Juliet was about to kill herself, he should've popped up and been like "Just kidding!" That oughta be an alternate ending on the DVD or something, it really should.

Then, in yearbook, due to her mild obsession, Wampler had us watch the beginning of Elizabethtown. It's a good show. I love Orlando Bloom in it. "Did I miss 60B?!" That had us rolling. When he was driving and saw the Welcome to Indiana sign. Hehe. It's all I'm looking forward to at school tomorrow, basically.

Though I still hope it snows twenty inches and we get a snow day. But that's why I'm a dreamer.

During lunch, I shunned Mr. Lively's spaghetti, drafted Sarah into my plot to kill Mr. Chesterfield over Christmas break, and told Matt I hoped he burned to death in a fiery explosion and he thought I said I hoped he burned to death in a fire extinguisher.

Got my solo picked out too. I Know Where I'm Going or something like that. I think it'll be all right.

We got a one-hour delay, but that's not much.

2007-12-17T07:32:00.000-05:00

So school starts at nine and I'm waiting.

I really don't know what good a one hour delay will do, except that it'll be lighter outside? High doubts it'll be much warmer. But I guess, what do I know.

I have to pick out my solo today... There are two we've narrowed it down to: Follow the Drinking Gourd and I Know Where I'm Going. I'm feeling whichever one is the easiest, to be honest. I'm not in the mood for much of a challenge; doing division two is going to be hard enough. I still don't get the logic behind that. But again, what do I know.

I have a geometry test in roughly an hour and a half. I might want to look at my conjectures or something. But some complicated thing deep inside is telling me not to care.

I still have those weird chills. I have a feeling it may be another affect of going off my medicine. But I mean, I can't tell a major difference yet. I keep wigging out over trivial things, but that's really nothing new. And I seem to be able to get over it faster, because it's always more intense. Like I'm not moping around the house in complete sadness all the time...I just have spurts of crying, and then I listen to a little Duresse (NEW FAVORITE MUCHHH) and I'm all better. For the time being.

Ughh. Chills. Today might suck a beef stick or two.

I'm still not feeling all that great today.

2007-12-16T12:10:00.000-05:00

I blame the emotional aspects of it on the medicine. Sure, I'm not bawling my eyes out 24/7 but I am crying an awful lot lately. I stopped taking it, I don't know why. I want to see, besides what happens temporarily when I first get off it, if I'm okay without it. Like, in the next few weeks or so. Because...I don't know. I don't like relying on medicine, I really don't. It's hard to explain, I just don't want to do it.

But anyway, I've felt really weird this weekend anyway. My stomach is upset, like always. But I feel really weak/tired...I almost fell down today at church, when we stand up for worship. I can't keep my balance very well. I'm not sure what's wrong, really. I'm not sick. Just not well, I guess.

I have bio vocab to do today. It sucks a major beef stick, I know. But I'll do it eventually. The Grosseltern just came over for lunch, so yeah. Gotta visitate and what not - yeah, I'm all about new words and whatnot.

During a hymn in church today, I sang the word "Santa" instead of "Satan". Oops.

2007-12-15T19:13:00.000-05:00

Our winter storm warning was canceled, but it hasn't been for everything north of us, and I think Indy is still supposed to get pretty hard so I'm glad I stayed home. I would've absolutely HATED to have gone and then gotten stuck up there because of ice or whatever, missed Monday and had to take finals.

Cory was a loser and missed Friday, so I think he's going to have to. What a lame-o.

Today's my mom's birthday, so my grandma came over and we had dinner. She asked me how to say she's forty-one in German. Ich bin einundveirzig Jahre alt. Heh. [:

I finished my book today, woo. Right before dinner, I went ahead and read the last ten pages and totally cried. Heh. I get so emotionally attached to characters it's freaking awful. But I love books like that, where I have to seriously remind myself that these people don't actually exist, you know? 'Cause for the time being they do.

I don't feel well today, though. After I got a shower this afternoon (essence of my Saturdays) I was all shaky, I've had chills and now after having dinner I feel terribly weak. Not sick, like with a cold or anything, but just...not well. Ill, I suppose. Meh. Ah well. I'll tough it out.

Only two more days. I really hope something good happens those two days, too. I'd like to end this semester and start Christmas break on a good note. Or at least, not on a really depressing bad one. Because going all break dreading going back to school is just like, the suckiest feeling ever.

Change of plans.

2007-12-14T16:00:00.000-05:00

I decided not to go to the Mexican restaurant with yearbook tonight, just because I didn't feel up to it and this week has REALLY taken a lot out of me. So I thought I might be able to go to my dad's tonight instead of tomorrow morning. Now, I'm not going at all. Because of stupid snow. And sleet. And ice. And it's totally all over the weather channel, and at first I was a little upset because I was actually looking forward to see my dad and I don't want him to be upset now that I can't come, but now I'm just kind of, okay. Staying home isn't so bad. I'm super tired anyway. They're just supposed to get a lot of snow up there, and ice too, more than us, so I hope he's okay and doesn't be a crazyface and try to trudge through all the snow in that little Taurus; I don't know how much more that car can take.

In better news, today, Cory was gone so that gave Sarah and I an opportunity to talk during lunch. I was trying to explain to her that Cory likes Kylee (as discreetly as possible because she was in there today) but of course, Matt was there and he had to butt in. We stopped talking altogether but he was able to find out who we were talking about, Cory and Kylee and me. And Matt was being, well, gay, you know. All giggly and stuff, he was having a pretty major fag boy day today. And I mean that as nicely as possible. But...yeah. We were talking. And it was good talk, not bad talk. And... I don't really know what to think now, but yeah, that's just because he wasn't here. And I haven't had a chance to talk to my mom yet, and... I don't know, I don't feel so hopeless/stupid/worthless now. It just takes me a second, you know? I get super cooped up in my own perspective and I kind of forget about everything/everyone else, and for the first time today when I got the...nth opinion that he may like me, I didn't immediately call it off or ask myself why. Probably 'cause Matt actually stated it as a fact more than anything, but still.

Matt was like, "He just didn't think you wanted to 'date' or whatever." And I just kind of looked at Sarah and laughed. That's true, but it totally reminded me of something else so I got off-topic and that was kind of the end of that. We watched more of Romeo & Juliet today and OMIGOD. We're going to Verona. Apparently it's the place to be.

Hah, I can't even begin to explain. The way conversation flows between us in that class. Garrett and Jeremiah were shooting heroin, for God's sake. I basically LOVE that movie. It makes me laugh so hard, even though I don't think it's supposed to. I'm sorry, but you can't be in modern times and speak Old English and kill people left and right and expect me not to be doubled over in violent laughter, constantly. You. Just. Can't.

I'm almost done with my book. Like, seriously close. Less than ten pages probably. I was jut way too into conversation during lunch to read, and show choir was like, work-on-German-time. And make fun of Kelsey for obsessing over Marilyn Monroe...time. German, I didn't do much. Just stare at the empty desk next to me and feel really, really, really sad.

But Matt is my new best friend. LOL, LIKE HE WASN'T ALREADY. I love that little fag boy. So today was good.

2007-12-13T16:03:00.001-05:00

Today was the first good day I've had in a while.

I got my German test halfway done, and I have to take the rest of it - the oral part - during lunch tomorrow. After that, I'll be all caught up in everything, which is good since the semester is practically over.

Three days left, just three days.

And I'm so glad about that. We've got one last test, and that's on Monday. It was going to be on Friday but we said we'd rather have it on Monday, since most of us didn't even realize it was tomorrow. And she was fine with that. I'm fine with that. I need to read over my conjectures anyway, on most of them I'm totally clueless.

NO PROOFS ON THIS TEST. Which means I have a chance at actually passing.

Cory got like, a 45 on the German test. And Briley got a 55. I don't really know what that means in comparison to what I'll get, but I thought it was easy, at least the part that I did. So it's a tad disconcerting.

We started watching Romeo and Juliet today, the modern version? I LAUGH AT EVERYTHING. It's way too funny. Sarah and I talked basically the entire time. We came to the conclusion my dad secretly played the role of Mercutio, and now I'm going to go look for a silver afro when I get to his house Saturday. Watching that movie is way too much fun. I hate it but I love it at the same time. LEONARDO DICAPRIO AS ROMEO. HEAVENNNN.

I went to get my solo picked out today, too. We've narrowed it down today, and Mrs. Rogers won't be there tomorrow so we'll have to wait till Monday to actually get it finalized. But it's okay. No pressure. The songs she picked didn't seem super hard, and certainly not as high as the one I did last year, either. And even if they are, well, it's not till January. Nothing is until January. Life stops for a few weeks. I can't wait.

So here's the lowdown.

2007-12-12T20:17:00.000-05:00

I may be procrastinating on my homework a little but that's okay. I just finished tons of stuff that I feel good about so it doesn't feel that bad. I've still got time for other stuff, and I gotta purge a little.

Technically I should've already done that since I just got back from counseling, but believe it or not there are more pressing issues than this.

I feel slightly stupid and slightly remarkable for what I did Monday/yesterday, but let me explain. On Monday in German, out of the blue, Cory wrote something on the back of his paper and threw it on my desk. So I looked at it and this is what is said, almost exactly: "I like two girls - one of them is Kylee and the other I can't say. Do you know who she likes, or if she likes anyone, or if I'd even stand a chance?"

I won't lie, I wanted to cry. I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach, but not too hard because I kind of knew that all along. So I just gave it back to him and told him I didn't know. Then the next morning, I asked Kayla if she knew if Kylee liked anyone - I told her one of my friends did, and I just wanted to know. She said she'd check. And I kind of wasn't planning on doing that, but... I give up. I really do. And I just, I know I'd be the suckiest bitchiest moodiest girlfriend in the world even if I had a chance in hell. So is it really crazy that even if it kind of kills me a tad, he's still my friend and if he really does like her, I'd like to see something happen just so he'd be happy? I like to see him happy.

I tried to tell my mom today but I couldn't get the whole truth out. I could barely get any of the truth out, just that he likes Kylee. I haven't told my counselor anything, absolutely nothing. I can't. I haven't told anyone the whole truth, and until today I couldn't even admit it to myself what happened - because I couldn't decide what it was, if I was insane or stupid or just completely selfless...but I'm trying really hard to be the latter.

I just know that I'm too jealous, and it would suck. And I cried and cried Tuesday night at the thought of them being together, just because I know she's better than me. But it's the truth. And he deserves better than me anyway, so I figure I might as well give it a shot.

I cry way, way too much.

2007-12-10T20:24:00.000-05:00

And half the time I hardly know why.

Seriously, I think I was crying for hours because I couldn't get anything done and couldn't get anything done because I was crying for hours.

Now I just feel like I'm going to vomit. I kept thinking about how much I hate myself, how much everyone else must hate me, how much better everything would be if I just died.

I hate to talk about things like this and then go into one of my problems, because usually it's so insignificant and it's going to make me look like a freak who overreacts about everything (granted, I am sometimes, but not all the time). Today was just one of those days where I kind of felt like I had a million things fall on me at once, a lotta days like that lately. And this is just one small thing, not the only thing. It takes more than one thing to make me cry that much usually, anyway.

Sigh. But now I can't talk about it. I'll start crying about it again. I can't think about anything that's been going on, 'cause I'll freak out for sure. I just want things to change sooo bad. I want to stop feeling ugly. Not just, 'not pretty', but downright ugly. Such as I can barely look into the mirror anymore, I'm absolutely disgusted with myself. It doesn't help when absolutely everything and everyone else seems to reassure me of that.

I can't wait to get out of school tomorrow, to go to the mall and just perform. I know it scares the shit out of me, but I'm sick of dealing with school and all the people here. Nobody knows me up there so I don't have to worry about it.

I'm also going to note that I can justify the possible insanity of every post in the last week and in the next week because I'm on the worst period of my life right now and have the right to be stupid, over-emotional, and a maniac.

I used to listen to this song in like, 2004, AKA the best year ever. Before all that shit at my dad's, when I still had cable in my room and could watch IMC (Indy's Music Channel) all day, all night? Those were good times. Pink is cool.

Bury all the trouble that I've left behind.

2007-12-10T16:46:00.000-05:00

I have so much to do tonight. It doesn't help that I'll be missing classes tomorrow and Wednesday due to show choir (which I love) and all that stuff on top of that. I've probably got three to four test this week. A quiz tomorrow. Two different papers in biology that were due today that I have not even close to completed. In English, I have to finish Kayla's and my poem and at least start the study guide for the Romeo and Juliet test. I still have two sets of questions in there, uncompleted. For once I'm not behind in German or geometry, but I honestly don't know how that happened.

And because I am a stupid person, I'm not doing any of it. I started some of it just to make myself feel better. But do I see myself completing any of it? No. I just see myself failing everything, killing a bunch of people, then running away.

I just feel so bad. Not for myself, for once. For other people. Today was kind of depressing, and kind of overwhelming, and kind of made me want to cry and yell and scream.

But then by German, I was just kind of okay and happy and everything. Well, not really happy I should say. Am I ever happy? Didn't think so. But I was...content, certainly, and I just really hope I can stay like that for a little while longer. 'Cause I'm pretty tired of going from one emotional extreme to the next.

The choir thing. Whatever.

2007-12-09T19:45:00.000-05:00

I tried to write about today like, three times and couldn't do it without sounding like an ass. So let's try really hard, here, and be a little objective and try not to say everything sucked ass. Because it didn't. Thought a lot of it did.

The concert choir numbers - we bombed. We bombed hard. And like, bad bombing. Some of them were not horrible, but I don't remember which ones. I just know that on some, I was clueless, just clueless. I couldn't hear myself so I couldn't find my pitch. It's so hard in that big group - in show choir, it's perfectly fine. That's what threw me off. I'm used to hearing just Brittney and Heidi and Mindy and today, I could only hear Kylee, and she sang soprano part of the time. I don't blame her, on a few they have the melody and our parts are so close anyway, when you don't have it it's best to just go with the sopranos.

But in this medley we did, It Came Upon A Midnight Clear was AWFUL. Just, awful. I will not sugarcoat it, it sucked ass hardcore. Mrs. Rogers even made a face. It was bad. It's because all the girls had to hit that note, and some of the altos just don't have it, you know. My alibi is that I'm slightly sick, and quite frankly I don't remember if I hit it or not. If I didn't, wicked sorry, I wouldn't be surprised.

But yeah. Ass suckage right there.

Show choir was good though! I almost fell, heh. But at least we could sing it. I think everyone liked it pretty much. It was fun. Yeah, I was a little wobbly on those heels (and they aren't that much of a heel, but I'm not used to them anyway) but considering I only almost fell once it turned out a lot better than I expected.

It's hard to imagine, but all that shit I went through this week and last was worth it, just to get up there and perform. I was nervous as hell but it worked itself out.

The pictures are shit too, because we all look high. Or something. Freaky eyes. But check 'em out anyway.

2007-12-07T20:00:00.000-05:00

I can't believe that performance is in two days.

I can't believe we still have to perform it two more times next week, back to back. Tuesday and Wednesday. Tuesday might actually be a little fun, because we're going to the mall - it's the band's thing, and apparently some of them are pissed about us going, but what the hell? We're performing at different times anyway, they don't have to have anything to do with us if they don't want to.

Oh yeah, and Wednesday we're just going to the nursing home in town.

I persuaded Matt to come on Sunday. Lured him with cookies. I said something to Cory about it, but I'm pretty sure he got distracted. There's just too much going on in German.

I'm having a MAJOR Joss Stone blast lately. Since I found her CD, yep. And I can't get my iPod to hook up to the computer so that's why I'm here, listening to it instead of in my room. Watching Scrubs, or whatever's on right now.

Spiffy, we've got like, a week and a half till Christmas break.

I'm filling this with pointlessness, I have so much nothing to say. So much nothing. I'm almost done with my book but I don't have homework from last week or whatever done. Two days worth of geometry, German, and some English stuff to do too. Plus that biology thing. When'd I get so freaking lazy?

I guess the good news is I haven't been eating like a total pig lately. But that's sorta it.

I'm reading a book.

2007-12-06T20:23:00.000-05:00

And reliving some old music. Favorites, that is. Not like, old music as in age. But in the respect of how long it's been since I listened to it. Which I guess in the somewhat short span of my life isn't very long at all, but it feels like it to me. Years are huge, really, but so much more stuff gets crammed into them year by year that I'm lucky if I'll even notice when we move from one year to the next.

Just wondering, does anyone else have a hard time believing that there are only three weeks until 2008?

Meh.

But, yeah! I had trouble reading books at the start of this year. Until, well, now. I guess. Before I had so much stuff on my mind, but now I don't care. I suppose thinking about stuff is important, but I don't want to. So I read. But I read so damn fast...I'll get this book done by Monday, at the least, and that's just if I don't get it read any over the weekend because of the festivities, y'know. I'm already on page...one hundred something. Seventy, I wanna say. And even though I "started" it during the summer and kind of skipped some of the beginning and started on page thirty or something this morning, still.

Anyway. It was easier to ignore Cory that way, when I had something to read instead. But it didn't happen. I can't stay mad at him. But at least he knew I was mad, took a hint for God's sakes. Still, I didn't tell him what was up, I just told him it was stupid and pointless and he shouldn't worry about it. It was so funny, he was like, "JOHN, SHE'S MAD AT ME AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I FREAKING DID." John: "Just tell her you're sorry and you'll never do it again." "BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT I FREAKING DID!" It was basically super duper hard not to laugh.

We didn't have to dance in show choir today, so I was sufficiently satisfied.

But then, I like, can't sing worth a crap? My throat is getting worse. I thought it was getting better, but apparently it's not. I really couldn't sing. Last night, I just had trouble hitting any moderately high notes. Today, I just couldn't do it. Anything. Man. If this sticks around much longer, I'm gonna suck.

Hah, fun tidbit. I was reading my book during lunch (Blood Orange by Drusilla Campbell btw) and I kind of, you know, zoned out and was caught between what I was reading and what everyone else was saying, but I wasn't really paying attention to either one. So I missed like, an entire half a page, and the first line I read on the next page was "I want to lock you in these rooms, feed you cheese and blood oranges, and never let you leave."

And I totally just BURST out laughing, disturbing absolutely everyone else in my room and had to tell everyone what I just read because I found it supremely hilarious. Like, of course I got it once I went back and re-read what'd I just kind of..."read", but I was so confused. And it was funny. And I kept telling that to random people throughout the rest of the day, and you just can't go wrong with that.

We're starting bowling tomorrow in gym, suck a beef stick. But in a good way.

It's that time of year again

2007-12-06T17:59:00.000-05:00

GRAMMY NOMS, PEOPLE. I had no idea until I heard this morning on the news while I was drowning in the misery of my sickness, and I was too out of it to jump for joy.

The Grammys are my favorite, by the way.

Unfortunately I had to get some stuff in Terre Haute after school, so I'm just now getting home to check the nomination list. Being the nerd I am, I pulled up the entire .txt document so I didn't miss anything. So let's check it out.

I'm glad to see that Amy Winehouse got quite a bit of love for her album Back to Black. I know she's more known for her antics and her alleged drug addiction than her music, but that doesn't take away from how talented she is. I watched a live performance on youtube and she is definitely up there in my book with the vocal favorites; Joss Stone and Fantasia and whatnot.
Rihanna got a few nods, too, along with Justin Timberlake in this category. Happily, I also saw that Corinne Bailey Rae, who most people have probably forgotten about since Put Your Records On, has been nominated for Song of the Year with Like A Star (and yes, she is the songwriter).

Daughtry got a few in the rock category, which I didn't expect but don't necessarily disagree with either. Daughtry's good. The rest of the rock nominees are so-so. I love Green Day, but Working Class Heroes didn't do much for me; nevertheless, that song is nominated for Best Rock Performance By A Duo or Group. Along with If Everyone Cared by Nickelback, might I add - one of my favorite songs to this date. I used to not like Nickelback at all, but within this year they've grown on me a lot.

I'll also quickly mention that Paramore and Taylor Swift are nominated for Best New Artist - exciting, much? But it will probably go to Amy Winehouse or Feist. Though I suppose you never know.

The country nominees weren't so bad. Best Female Vocal Performance includes one of my favorite songs, one that I happened to be listening to when I came upon it on the list: Famous in a Small Town by Miranda Lambert. She's got a lovely voice. Then, of course, Carrie Underwood for Before He Cheats. My pick for this category, though - not based on personal opinion, but what I actually think should win - is LeAnn Rimes with Nothin' Better To Do. The vocals on that are just outstanding, I think.

Both Arcade Fire and Lily Allen were nominated for Best Alternative Album, which is cool.

I don't have much to say about any of the rap or R&B nominations, mostly because I don't care. But I am glad that Alicia Keys got nominated for Best Female R&B Vocal Performance for No One. That song's amazing. I really love it. And I suppose I'll mention Kanye West got the most nominations - eight total - followed by Winehouse with six, according to Yahoo! Music. Nifty. Though, and this is my (not quite former) teenybopper self speaking, but no show could ever compare to that year I first watched the Grammys and saw Green Day perform American Idiot.

I was in sixth-grade heaven. The Grammys have just never been the same since then. Ah, nostalgia, much.

It would be so much easier if I didn't like him.

2007-12-04T19:50:00.000-05:00

But I really don't think it's worth it. All this hoping, that is. I mean... I don't know. He said some things yesterday that I'm just not okay with, with a friend or anybody. And I'm completely serious about things like this; I make it a point to avoid anyone who does stupid stuff like that. That's why I have the circle of friends that I do now; I've slowly eliminated the (large amounts of) ignorance in my group of friends. That's how I ended up with the infamous nerd herd.

And I thought he was okay. I mean, in general, yeah he is. And I'm sorry but this bothers me. It bothers me when people do intentionally racist things and then apologize for them but continue to do it. Or just flat-out DON'T apologize for things and still continue to do them, even if, especially in this case, I've made it clear that I really don't appreciate things like that.

When it comes to people I know, it doesn't bother me as long as you don't say that sht around me. When you're elsewhere, do whatever the hell you want. But when it comes to my friends, the closest friends I have, I just can't accept anything like that period, if you're "that kind" of person. And if it's because you have a redneck imbecile family, that's no alibi. Not for doing things that I don't appreciate. And maybe I'm just being picky, but I feel like I have that right when it comes to my friends. That's not something I can ignore.

I mean, really, if you've got a black friend are you going to tell them, "I'd never call you that, but I do say that word." And this is what just kills me - "I can't help it, my dad and grandpa say it."

Don't give me that, just don't. You can't help it, give me a break. The majority of my RACE says it I flipping don't. I mean, I didn't flip out just then, I just rolled my eyes and whatever'd it, you know. This was yesterday, by the way.

I just realized, though... That's something I can tolerate from one of those people I associate with but don't consider a friend, you know? But no, not with one of my friends.

And I don't want to ignore him like a jerk, because that's stupid and pointless. But if I told him, you know, he wouldn't get it. I'd like to think he would, but he wouldn't.

Then again, I don't know. I could be reading too much into this but, you know, it's kind of what I do. Maybe if I could just make him realize, you know, that that's...not okay with me, and if he got that... But I don't think it would be that important to him, no matter how important it is to me. So I don't know what to do.

Stupid rednecks.

I think I'm gonna be okay now.

2007-12-04T13:35:00.001-05:00

Mrs. Rogers would kill me for saying that. I AM going to be okay now.

I'm getting a new dress, one that's definitely long enough and also not quite as tight. We had a half-day today and Mrs. Rogers had a meeting to go to, but I got out of German early and her mom was there to help us, so we got it all finished. And before school today when I took her my dress, she gave me a bit of a pep talk.

A bit. I was in there for about fifteen minutes, I think. So I suppose it's safe to say it was a full-blown pep talk.

I was crying this morning, again, I know, and coming to Mrs. Rogers with tears is not the best thing to do. But it was okay. She gives me reassurance, when in the end is what I need. I mean, my mom gives me that too, but she can't do much, because she isn't there. She can say "I'm sure you're doing fine." Mrs. Rogers can say "You ARE doing fine." There's a slight difference, but it's what I need.

And it's so amazing how similar Mrs. Rogers and I are. It's obvious I suppose, but sometimes I've got to back up to really see things for what they are. That's part of what I do, I get caught up in details and lose focus of the big picture. But she told me the biggest thing that's helped me and is going to help me through all of this; people like us can't get overwhelmed by the possibilities of the future. I can't think about this weekend's performance and next weekend's performance when I don't even have my dress yet. It's about thinking in small increments of time, and sometimes for me that means hour to hour. I can't handle a lot of pressure, and I just need to take things one at a time. One day to the next. And the more I can focus on the present, the less important the things of the past and the future seem.

I don't know how she does it, but she's amazing. She told me about how she looks back at the 28 years she's been teaching and has no idea how she did it. Because 28 years is a good chunk of time. And it's so amazing that, even after all these years, even after dealing with one thing after another time after time again to the point that I'm sure she's sick of it all, she still has it in her to care about us and about the choir and about being a good teacher. And she told me the only way she can manage to do that is by taking it one day at a time.

And you know Mrs. Rogers can never be wrong.

But anyway, I had some drama coming home. Aunt Dana was supposed to pick me up, but I couldn't find her number in my phone. When I did find it, it wouldn't work. Tried my mom's, it wouldn't work either. I was like FRICK ON A STICK. So I just started walking. To my grandma's, by instinct. I didn't really know where else to go. I couldn't (though I was fully prepared to) walk home, it's FREEZING out there today. So I just stopped at my grandma's and lucky for me, Papaw was there. And he took me home, and I thanked him profusely, because otherwise I don't know what I would've done. Just chilled there, I suppose.

I finally have all my make-up work done, hah. I did my geometry today and for that I am immensely proud of, because I got it. And I aced the English quiz, too. And honestly I think it's because I just had that clear frame of mind for once, instead of feeling bogged down by two hundred things at once. One class to the next.

I hate myself sometimes, today was one of those days.

2007-12-03T17:24:00.000-05:00

I don't know what's wrong with me. The concert is still about a week away and I'm already freaking out. I mean, tears, man, hardcore tears. Today in class, when I got home. I swear I barely stopped crying from after I got home until five o' clock or whatever. I just don't feel like I can do this, I really don't. And I'm not just saying that because I'm scared, I just don't feel like I can handle this, period. I know it's not that big of a deal to anyone else, but I'm OBVIOUSLY not like everyone else. I broke down crying today in English because I couldn't finish my assignment and I couldn't bring myself to ask for help. I'm not like everyone else. I'm a freak.

Emotional purging

2007-12-02T20:41:00.000-05:00

is so, SO good. I don't know how I could ever underestimate it.

I love this blog to death and it helps when I'm in a mood to rant like no other, but tonight I was just really down, and not for the normal forgot-my-meds or just I-wanna-mope reasons. But like, deep down, what-the-heck-have-I-gotten-myself-into reasons. Reasons like, me liking Cory to the max and not knowing what to do, and feeling too fat and uncoordinated for show choir, or too fat for anything really, and, you know, teenagery things like that.

And for the longest time I felt like I couldn't talk to my mom, and I'm really not sure why. Maybe because, I don't know, I know she listens to people's shit for a living now and I just don't want to bother her? That could be it, but I'm not sure. Then there's just this feeling that sometimes these things shouldn't be bothering me, and I'm making a bigger deal out of them than they are, so it'll all eventually go away.

But it doesn't.

I guess I got that in a way, because even though she's asked me several times when I'm having one of my little crying spells to tell her what's wrong, I hardly ever told the truth. Yeah, sometimes I'd tell her something I was upset about but I never told her what it really was. But today I finally told her the truth about this stuff, and I realized I shouldn't feel ashamed because it was stupid or something. She said, "Honey, that's so hard." without any hesitation. And that just made me feel a lot better. Because it's true, and just having some...reassurance about that, because I compare myself to everyone else and they just seem to be so ladeedah about everything, I just feel like some kind of freak with issues because I'm taking everything so hard, and it shouldn't be.

But knowing that now, she knows the truth, and she gets it, that just makes me feel a lot better. More relieved. She told me to give the Cory thing time, which makes me feel better too. I mean, that's what I'd been doing anyway, but hearing it from her...you know, it's always better when your mom backs you up. And to know that I'm on the right track, is good enough for me. If it's just a dreadful waiting game for now, that's all right too. I'll deal.

Then, for show choir, tomorrow I'm gonna ask Mrs. Rogers if I can stay after school and try on my show choir dress, because I don't know if it fits and I don't want to show up to concert and have it not fit. I'm also terrified to try it on during class, because I don't want everyone to know I've gained, like...twenty pounds, plus it takes out of precious class time and we've got major stuff to do now. So I think it's a good plan.

I feel a little better about this week now, to get some of these things off my chest.

How lovely are thy branches

2007-12-02T19:47:00.000-05:00

We put up our Christmas tree this afternoon. I helped, a little. Heh. Mostly I just helped decorate. It's nothing spectacular but I love everything associated with Christmas, so I took pictures.

Here's Jeff trying to fix it, it kinda looked wicked crooked from one angle so he was adjusting it.

Here's our tree after it was done being decorated

This was supposed to be it without the lights on, but I forgot to put it on nightvision so. Yeah.

I think it's finally hitting me that Christmas is getting close, like, I kept waiting for Christmastime, and now it's here. I only have two and a half weeks left of school and then I'm done for Christmas break. It was really hard to believe when I looked at the calendar today but now that the tree's up it feels all official. And the one thing I hate is how fast December goes, and before you know it Christmas is over. I really want to enjoy this year, because with all the stuff going on this year, it's going to be really different and really special at the same time. Choir and stuff is going to be pretty nerve-wracking probably, but I don't want that to totally harsh my mellow. Aside from everything, it's still Christmas.

Double the football, DOUBLE THE FUN.

2007-12-02T13:56:00.000-05:00

Colts AND the Steelers are playing today, Colts right now and Steelers laterr.

I can't decide which team I love more but I hope they both win and yet, I never want them to have to play each other. Ever. Because that would suck for me.

Anyway, we went to a new church today. It was their Christmas program, but we didn't know that until we got there. It was really good! Much better than anything our church, or heck, possibly even our school could put together. It was nice. The singing was super good. I'm glad we went.

Ick, I've still got homework and laundry and stuff to do, but I'll probably put it off some more. Hah! Figures. I'm liking this week much because we have A HALF DAY Tuesday, totally unexpected, I had no idea. So I'll probably be in a good mood until Wednesday, when I have a therapy appointment and a choir practice like, at the same time, and when I start to realize that there is like no time at all until our concert Sunday. In which I will probably panic, like a lot. The possibility of me keeping it together the latter part of this week is slim, but I'll guess we see.

Our team lost last night, by the way.

2007-12-01T18:13:00.000-05:00

But only like, 49 to 45, so it wasn't a super depressing major loss like a lot of our games (at least the ones I hear about) are said to be. And basketball isn't our best sport, anyway. Baseball state runner-up three years in a row? Much? Yes. Well, it's not like I care about that much either.

But apparently Cory's playing this year and even though I think baseball is the most BORING sport on the planet, I will try to gain some interest. Heh. This morning I was looking at the team roster and my mom said, "Noticed Cory wasn't on the varsity list." And we laughed.

Anyway. I'm home again this weekend, because my dad's car is broken. And I'll have to be next weekend, too, since that's our drama shindig and our choir concert. Frick on a stick, I know. I feel like I haven't seen my dad in years.

Yeah, I'm actually to the point I WANT to go, which is a little new.

Hmm. I was all giddy last night because after I sent him my last e-mail about this whole weekend arrangement, I told him I loved him and he said he loved me too.

I don't know why, but it makes me extremely happy beyond belief to know my dad loves me. I suppose because a lot of people just don't, and I'm just so fortunate.

I stayed home and did nothing today. Watched 3+ hours of Spongebob. Hung out on the couch and listened to Christmas music while my mom and Jeff went shopping. They got an exercise bike. Came home and rearranged the living room. Totally ruining my chillaxation vibe I had going here, but that's all right. I took a nap. I still feel sick. But a little better.

I still haven't finished some homework from Tuesday. Boo. I really suck at school, don't I.

AHH!

2007-11-30T19:53:00.000-05:00

I almost wrote a blog after school but I didn't want to add to the endless list of lame, depressing blogs this week with yet another one so I was like, "Screw it" and went to Arby's with my mom before coming home and wallowing in my sickness/self-pity while I waited to get ready for the game to sing the anthem.

AND APPARENTLY THE ANTHEM WAS GOOD.

I'm thrilled to hear that. Like, I couldn't tell. I was too busy trying to hear myself and staring at the floor the whole time because, as said, I'M SICK, but once we were done Mrs. Rogers was like HYPER, and considering she'd been super stressed this week I figure we must've done something she liked.

I'm glad. Because she was stressed and I was stressed and we were stressed, but it all turned out good in the end.

Nick and I went north on the underground railroad again. "Run, whiteys, run! They're only helping us because we're multiracial, Alexis."

Then while I was getting ready to leave, Mrs. Rogers was telling us how good the anthem was, and then she was like, "Did you tell your mom you're doing division two for your solo?"

And I was like SAY WHAT. "I didn't even know what division I was in!"

"Well now you do. I just entered it today!"

"I guess I'll tell her then!"

And then after I said good-bye and turned around to leave I was like DIVISION TWO SAY WHAT OMG. Last year I did like division four, and that was my first year. This is my second year and I'm doing division two? OMG OMG OMG. I don't know if I can do that. Well, I can obviously and I will, but that's INSANE. I'll have to get a low song. Like, supah low. Ahhh. AHHH.

Our tests sucked and I barely talked to Cory today because I didn't feel good and all I could do was bitch about it and I didn't want to act like a jerk, so I mostly tried to avoid him. And I still feel pretty wretched, but my dad's car is 'broken' so I can't go to my dad's because he can't bring me home. Nor can I next weekend because of the choir concert (NEXT WEEKEND, WHAT THE EFF) and that drama club play thing is next weekend, too.

Oh boy. So glad this week is over.

2007-11-30T09:35:00.000-05:00

Everyone said the geometry test was easy.

I couldn't even finish it.

The biology test is going to suck hardcore; I swear, I barely know anything. I really don't. And the fact that, on top of all this shit, I feel horrible anyway? It's just not good. For once I'm not like, all drowsy and stuff. But I'm tired. I slept like ten hours last night. But I'm sick. And I feel like I still need more sleep.

So the anthem is going to be awful tonight. Not like, as a whole, but I mean, it's going to suck for me. I'm not sick enough so that I can't sing, but I certainly can't sing well. Meh. I'd just like to get it all over with.

We're going to this immediate care place tomorrow on the way to my dad's, since my doctor isn't in on Saturdays. So that should help.

Ugh. I don't know how I'll make it through the rest of the day.

I know, I know

2007-11-29T16:28:00.001-05:00

I'm being a huge downer lately, but I can't help it. I'm sad. Life is sad. And this is sad.

Kelly Clarkson - My Grown Up Christmas List

2007-11-29T15:50:00.000-05:00

I can't put into words what these past few days have felt like. Everything is overwhelming, and I'm just so tired of dealing with everything. I feel...okay, generally, but I'll have these sudden bursts of emotion where I feel like the entire world is coming down on me. I did a few times today.

And just, tomorrow is going to be crazy. I have two tests, none of which I really have any materials to study for. I hate to say it, but my mind was kind of elsewhere while I was getting all my crap in my backpack at the end of the day. It was for like, the latter half of the day really.

Except choir. Choir wasn't that bad. Like, hella difficult, because Mrs. Rogers wasn't there and when you leave us to fend for ourselves the day before we have to sing the anthem? Well. It's not the best idea, especially since things just got rearranged on Tuesday - Mindy's singing the guy part, Kiyoko got moved to first soprano, Kayla to second I think, and Micajah's an alto now.

We spent FOREVER trying to secure the alto & the guy part on of the brave. And then as I was walking out of class when we were finally done, I realized my throat was kind of sore.

German - my throat was REALLY sore. And now it's aching. What the hell. I can't get sick. I just can't, okay. I've got too much shit going on to get sick right now. The stuff tomorrow isn't really a big deal because I doubt I'll be super horrible then, but the choir concert is freakin' next week. I can't deal with being sick with all that going on. I just can't.

And then...everything else. My gosh. I wanted to slam my head into a wall today. The English quiz was hell and I guess on like, all of it, no lie. I turned in my biology unfinished but I still only got THREE points off. I don't know how that happened. I guess because I copied part of it off of Sarah. Still though...it feels like I shouldn't even be passing that class, it sucks so bad.

Eh. We have to go by a skirt or a dress or some black pants or something for the anthem tomorrow, since I ripped my skirt and none of the rest fucking fit. My God. None of my clothes fit anymore, I swear.

I hate myself. I fucking hate myself.

There are no words for this.

2007-11-28T19:37:00.000-05:00

There's not enough sympathy I can give to anyone because the perpetrators were her own parents. There's nothing I can feel but utter disgust. And disbelief. Not just at what happened, but the fact that she had already been TAKEN from her mother and placed into a foster home, and then given back to her just a month prior.

http://www.wthr.com/Global/story.asp?S=7420851&nav=menu188_2

Today was...rough.

2007-11-28T16:30:00.000-05:00

I'd like to be positive and list all the good things about it, but let's be honest here, okay? Today was rough.

I come to find we have a geometry test on Friday. Reminded by Sarah we have a biology test on Friday, too, and an English quiz TOMORROW. Over the act of which I, by the way, don't even have the paraphrasing notes for most of. Including what we did today, because I spent the majority of English trying to finish the biology worksheet from Monday (still not done) and studying for the vocabulary quiz (biology also) that was next hour.

I felt overwhelmed, completely overwhelmed, and even though most of the things that had been bothering me yesterday were gone from my mind, the...things my mom and I didn't necessarily cover were still there, and somehow that just got thrown out into the open. I just felt helpless. And during yearbook I finally just broke down and cried. I wasn't myself the rest of the day. Everything just seemed kind of hazy, you know? I lost all the will to be affected by anything, and it was like all the emotion was drained out of me and there was nothing left.

And if I go into detail about what's been going through my head between the middle of seventh hour and now, I know I'll just break down in tears, so I won't go there.

In other, much less depressing news, my mom went to an interview for a federal job (oooh) today. I don't really know much about what the job actually entails, I just know that if she got it her income would be over $10,000 dollars higher. Which is, you know, pretty rad.

This is honestly kind of odd

2007-11-27T11:02:00.000-05:00

I'm fourteen years old, and I'm lazing around at home in the middle of the day dragging around a blanket and watching Blue's Clues.

It's not that it's the only thing on, I just like Blue's Clues. It's one of the original ones with Steve! Memories, man, memories.

Let's see which class I'm missing now. Looks like...English is just starting. Woo. My mom hasn't called yet so she probably didn't get a counseling app. rescheduled, but that's all right.

FORCED INTERACTION ANYWAY. I just realized that we have to use this stupid format to do our biology vocab and I don't know it since I was planning on getting it from Sarah today. So I'll have to call her tonight. FORCED INTERACTION. But it's okay. It's just Sarah.

Well. Back to Blue's Clues. ON OUR NEW HIGH-DEF FLAT-SCREEN TV. Or as I told Sarah yesterday, our high-screen flat-def TV. Heh.

Taking a mental health day.

2007-11-27T08:04:00.000-05:00

I wanted to all morning, but didn't quite lose my hesitation about it until I had a mega breakdown on the way to school. We drove through the backroads for a few minutes then stopped in my grandma's driveway and talked. For once, I actually talked about everything that was on my mind, everything that's been bothering me for the past few weeks, built up until today. Emotional purging at its finest.

Basically, I seem to be incapable of not being too hard on myself when I don't do as well as I should/think I should. That's okay, I've been dealing with that for years. The thing is now, as stuff is getting more difficult, the more I really don't understand things (which is new for me) the less likely I am to ask for help. It feels like admitting defeat. I expect myself to understand everything right away, no matter how stupid or impossible that may seem to everyone else.

Problem: assertion. Here are a few snippets of what I've been writing just this morning, about my issues and how I should resolve them, things like that.

"A big issue I have is the ability to ask for help when I need it, or admit that I don’t understand when I’m confused. It’s always been an issue, but it’s only now just getting “big” because it’s actually hindering my grades – if I asked more questions in difficult classes, I would be a lot more likely to have a better grade.

It’s not something I can just jump into because I really have trouble with it. So I think, in order to take baby steps in approach to the issue, is to start “small”. By asking questions in classes that I am actually rather comfortable with – like, yearbook perhaps. Show choir. Wampler and Mrs. Rogers are both two teachers I’m comfortable with, so asking them questions wouldn’t be that big of a deal. Then move up to less comfortable, like geometry or German. Then up to biology, which is no doubt where I have the most trouble in – I pass it off like I don’t care, but in reality I’m scared to death."

When I was talking to my mom this morning, about that exact same thing, I realized how awful that really was. That it all boils down to me being scared. Scared of failing, scared of what other people think. And I realized why I consider anything less than perfect "failing" - I know that people expect me to do well consistently, and if I don't they assume I'm not trying my best. But no doubt, I always try my best. And I wouldn't want anyone to think otherwise.

Thus we have failure.

It's all really complicated, and this isn't just about grades either - I started off talking about show choir, and then we ventured into the whole "general school" thing, which is basically what I'm talking about every time I've told my mom I'm dreading school. Dreading school because I don't want to face everyone, another day of something I don't understand and pretending like I do because I should.

She said I could stay home and take some time to start figuring things out while she tries to get me into a counseling appointment sooner. It's next Wednesday, but I don't know. I'm just going to take it one day at a time.

Why.

2007-11-26T22:33:00.001-05:00

My chest kind of feels like there's something in it that's like...burning? Not in itself is burning, but something in it is.

Blahh.

I want to say tomorrow's going to suck, but technically I don't know for sure if it's going to. I just...I don't know, I feel really anxious about school lately for some reason. I don't know if it's like...a certain class, or if it's just me. It's just making me kind of like, super anxious - like I can't really get to sleep anxious, even though I technically haven't tried getting to sleep yet. Wheels are just kinda spinning in my head, you know? And I don't feel very...secure, I suppose is a good word. I mean, I'm always insecure and stuff, but it feels more, like...obvious lately.

I don't know why I'm wondering, I know what it is. It's Cory. Nothing specifically, just...Cory. My gosh, what's wrong with me? I don't know why this is such a big deal. We've been friends for so long, and I just...had to do this. I mean, I know it's not 'my fault' or whatever for feeling the way I feel but I KNOW that nothing's ever going to happen so why would I get my hopes up in the first place? Why, why, why.

Then there's the whole...ick, show choir thing, but that's really kind of minuscule once I think about it. It's just kind of a little thing with everything else lurking beneath it, another extra tidbit to bother me on top of all this other stuff.

MY CHEST BURNS. Ugh.

I like him so much, it's pathetic. It's abso-freaking-lutely damn pathic.

Today was good and all...

2007-11-26T17:52:00.001-05:00

...But that didn't stop me from counting down the days till Christmas break. Three and a half weeks, apparently. Not that bad of a wait, not that bad at all.

Yeah, for a first day back today wasn't so bad. I mean, the worst thing was an unbelievable worksheet in biology (BIOLOGY EQUALS HELL GRRRR) and even that wasn't so bad because I got Sarah to help me on it, a little. But we still had some serious issues. I can't hate that class enough. It deserves so much more hate than I can give it.

Oh well, as long as I've got other, better classes to make up for it.

On that note.

Volleyball was a little lame today, our new team sucks major. I can't tell if it's because they don't care enough or if they're just not good. I miss our old team. Holli, John, Sarah, Jeremiah and I. I guess Brandon was on our team too. He might've been the worst player but he didn't drag us down or anything. Now I'm like, on an entire team of Brandons. Not to mention I didn't serve so well today, and when I did we ended up losing the ball anyway.

This is the last week of volleyball. I am so depressed.

English, still Romeo & Juliet. I don't talk about it much but I really do like that class. There's not a super lot I have to say about it, but I do like it.

Biology, as previously stated: the equivalent of hell. Moving on.

Lunch was all right, normal. A little more gay than usual with Levi in the room. [: I stole Cory's Mountain Dew - technically I could've just as easily gotten one out of Lively's fridge, which is where he got his, but that's TOTALLY not as fun. And I act out to get attention, so. :p

CHOIR WAS FUN. Well, slightly. Kayla has a penis and she told Levi that's how I gave her 'the black'. Everyone who wasn't in on all that was so confused. Mindy walked by Kayla just as she screamed "I was castrated!" and I burst out laughing because the look on her face was priceless.

Otherwise, it sucked. I mean, I love choir. But we suck. Not generally, just...right now. The anthem is sucking. I just feel like, I don't know. Overwhelmed by it all. There aren't many of us, so everyone's got to carry their part perfectly in order for it to blend well. I'm doing the best I can, but I'm not perfect. Neither is anyone else. We're having major difficulties, and it's better and at the same time, worse when it's all of because at least I don't have that major pressure on me, like I feel as though it's all my fault. But at the same time, it's harder to fix when there are problems with each individual part and we don't really have the time necessary to work with each part specifically. We can't do a whole lot of alto/soprano/baritone sectionals anymore, because the game is this Friday and we have no after-school practices this week.

It'll be rough, but I suppose everything worth working for is going to be that way. That's why I put up with choir in the first place. I'm not the world's best singer and it really doesn't come easy for me, despite what some people may think. I don't show my frustration but it is pretty difficult, especially since Mrs. Rogers is SO DARN PICKY. (I don't mind though; I love her. :])

Same with choreography, but I've got a few weeks yet to stress over that. Anthem comes first, then Christmas concert - that'll be a much bigger deal, I can almost guarantee it.

Deutsch! I only got an 88 on my test from Wednesday, which in retrospect isn't very different from the 91's and 92's I'm used to getting, and I felt a lot better when I found out that Sarah got a 76 (she's a smartypants so I usually assume she's got the better scores. Not always right, as you can see.) I didn't do as well as I should've, but it was the last hour of the last day before Thanksgiving. It's bad of me, but I really didn't care.

Sidenote; I need to start reading during SSR. It bugs Wampler and it actually bugs me. But it's hard for me to concentrate in there, I don't know why. I don't like sitting in the front row, I think. I don't know why. It's bothersome.

Cory News; not much. Today was the same as any day, really. Except in German, he kept grabbing my knees more than often (that's all literal...my knees. I don't know. It's a thing we do.) And I had to pee, but I don't think he realized that, because he wouldn't stop. GRABBING MY KNEES, IT'S SO RANDOM, WHY DID WE START DOING THAT. It's highly distracting. It was at the end of class, but still.

During bio when we weren't doing our work, Sarah and I were discussing how much mental damage Cory and I would do to our kid if we were parents. Especially if we really named him Sam Perry Gilligan and adopted him from Indo-freakin-nesia.

Elf

2007-11-25T19:58:00.001-05:00

We're watching Elf. It's on USA and has apparently been for the past few nights.

Eeeeeee.

I love Christmas so much. I've been listening to My Grown-Up Christmas List by Clay Aiken all day, as you can see by that little video bar on the side there.

And since I forgot how funny this movie so much I'll share a clip. Also because I have nothing else to say.

Thanksgiving Break Near Completed.

2007-11-25T12:21:00.001-05:00

Which can only mean that Christmas is growing closer. The Christian station has already started playing Christmas music 24/7 as it does every year, but it feels like it's coming up so soon.

Then I hit a reality check: our choir concert is in two weeks, December ninth. We have two choreographed songs to perform and five or six concert choir numbers (is it sad I can't keep track?) Choir is stressing me out like mad this year. I think the main is that it's all just coming up so soon and I didn't realize it...Christmas concert seemed like it was so far away, and now it's in, you know, two weeks. That's pretty crazy. Then I realize for show choir, it's not even the biggest thing. Spring show is, and when we go on tour in May. I don't know why, but all of this is HUGE to me. I guess because...I don't know, I still don't quite feel like I belong in show choir in the first place. I can't tell you why I'm in it for any other reason that I felt like I needed to, for whatever reason. I mean, it's fun, yes, but it's not me. So many of the things I'm in aren't, but still. I feel like...I don't know, there's this expectation of who I should be and that's who I'm filling out right now, like if it was up to me I'd be doing something different.

But I don't know. I think this break has just given me too much time to think. Yeah. That's probably it. And any time to think for me can just, never be good.

Yeah, him again.

2007-11-24T18:24:00.000-05:00

Lacey's finally back, so now that she is I've got someone to talk to. And issues arise. She's on an internet limit 'cause her parents blamed her for the spyware infestation, so we didn't get to talk for super long last night. Still though, it was enough to get me thinking. Oh, and "fag boy" is actually Matt. lol.

laceface4 (8:26:32 PM): well anything good happen with cory lately? walking to the bus??
thehardcahhwolf (8:27:21 PM): lol. no not really. like...it's pathetic, but yeah, nothing. besides us hanging out like as much as possible.
laceface4 (8:27:57 PM): well ya never know ... if you guys are hanging out a lot that's good
thehardcahhwolf (8:29:24 PM): yeah, i guess. idk. i try not to get too hopeful just because i don't want to be disappointed. briley finds it annoying and thinks i should just ask him out already but yeah, like i'm gonna do that.
laceface4 (8:31:07 PM): don't be totally negative though
laceface4 (8:31:27 PM): especially if fag boy and sarah say he likes you or something
thehardcahhwolf (8:31:58 PM): well technically fag boy already has. but. like. idk.
laceface4 (8:32:18 PM): take a risk if you think it could be worth it
laceface4 (8:32:24 PM): i don't want you regretting it
laceface4 (8:32:37 PM): but crap i gotta go, my parents will be home momentarily and i'm "only doing my itunes"
thehardcahhwolf (8:33:03 PM): hmm haha okay. i'll ttyl dear [:
laceface4 (8:33:09 PM): byye <333

I have no complaints because this was my plan all along. Lacey's good for advice, but I didn't flat-out ask for it because she was updating me major on all the events going on in her life, more Ethan drama, blah blah blah. I just wish I had a friend like her in real life who I could actually go to about stuff like this, but alas.

I guess I'll change my name...

2007-11-23T19:06:00.000-05:00

I'm proud to inform you all that I will soon be embarking on a journey to, and then on the treadmill, to swipe away a portion of the guilt leftover from Thanksgiving and the donuts Jeff bought us this morning.

Don't think I'm putting it off because I normally announce this after I've already done it, though, I'm just waiting for my iPod to charge, is all. The tiny red sliver of a battery bar at the top makes me weary.

So I'm waiting.

Did anyone realize how great TV was today? Marathons of What Not to Wear, Spongebob, and The 100 Greatest One-Hit Wonders is currently playing on Vh1. Fantastic, I tell you! It's put me in a good mood.

Oh! And my mom and Jeff went shopping today (I stayed home. The term 'Black Friday' makes me cower in fear.) because there was a sale somewhere (well, duh, but somewhere they apparently had a lot of interest in). I thought they were just going to look at stuff because rarely do they ever come home with much, but at around four they roll in with a new flat screen HD TV.

Everything's all set up now, new TV stand and everything, and my mom's currently watching Stacy & Clinton LIKE WE'VE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE.

It's quite fantastic, really. Jeff wanted it really bad not just because of the high-definition visuals, but also the sound - apparently he can hear it much better. Part deaf, you know? I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned that before, but yeah, he is.

Well, it's charged enough for me. I'm off.

Ahem Just thought I'd put it out there...

2007-11-23T13:26:00.000-05:00

I've got two new poems on my writing blog, if anyone's interested, and perhaps a third one soon if I decide I like it enough.

I also entered "Fire" as a TeenInk submission a few days ago, and also in a poetry contest that my choir (also 12th grade English) teacher told me about earlier this year. I don't even remember what it's called, to be honest, but the winners are compiled into a little publication and blah blah. Just if anyone happened to care. :p

Sample of a Thanksgiving with My Family

2007-11-22T16:21:00.000-05:00

I only got to take a few pictures, because my mom and I actually left a little early - she wasn't feeling too well today, side affects of her new medicine for her migraines. She's laying down right now. But here are a few particularly cute pictures of the cousins:

Adam, Kyle's brother, and me, of course. He was getting ready to close his eyes, which resulted in the rolling of his eyes back into his head. No, he really doesn't look this strange on a daily basis.

A cute one of Haleigh

Kyle, and Haleigh and Brandy, my adopted cousins

Lavell Crawford, Last Comic Standing

2007-11-22T12:18:00.000-05:00

Hmmph, well since I know how to do this now. Might as well just plop it here instead of linking it, shall we? It's so funny, it really is. About twenty views later and it still cracks me up. It's his face! You can't just tell people about this, you have to see it for yourself.

THE HOUSE REEKS OF ONIONS AND I LIKE IT!

2007-11-22T10:57:00.000-05:00

First of all, Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

I spent the majority of last night at my grandma's house, helping her/learning how to make some food for Thanksgiving. It was really fun, actually. Now that Kyle and Adam have moved and I ride the bus home instead of walking to her house, I don't really spend that much time with her at all compared to how much I have in the past. But I should, because as I realized throughout the day yesterday, my family is a serious blessing.

My mom and my dad aren't together. But they didn't divorce; they were never married. They didn't try to be together because of me. But my dad stuck around. My dad wants to see me, my dad loves me. And so many people barely have dads, now that I think about it. Yesterday Mrs. Rogers went around the room and asked us what we were looking forward to most about Thanksgiving. And when we were done, she told us that the one thing that set this apart from every other Thanksgiving was that her daughter's father was finally making an attempt to reconnect with her, while he's been estranged from her for the majority of her life.

And I looked around the room, and I realized how most of my friends' parents are something like that. Kelsey even said she was staying home alone on Thanksgiving, because she still can't settle a difference or something with her mom/grandma. And her father died in a car wreck when she was younger.

I mean, how sad is that?

I suppose it's just something I take advantage of. Having a family like I do. Having not only two extremely wonderful parents, but also the support of my grandparents, on my mom's side and Grandma Jackie on my dad's. Then my step dad, who's really just super. Sure, there are the oddballs that kind of ruin everything like Tina, but even she's not that bad when I think about it.

And when I think about the possibilities, how easy it could've been for my dad to just not care, and everything, I'm really thankful for him, and everyone.

And when you add in all my great friends in the mix? It couldn't get much better. [:

As Alexis attempts to embed her first video [:

2007-11-20T20:17:00.000-05:00

Not her own, but a video nonetheless. I'll need to make a decent vid before I choose to embed it here.

Corinne suggested this, and since she generally tends to have good taste I looked it up. Hilarious. Why does it oddly remind me of me? Hmmph. Pills.

Just a little bit of crazy

2007-11-20T18:02:00.000-05:00

That's all I am, and considering the immense amount of time I had to spend at school today, it's understandable.

Today was an okay day though, despite the circumstances. I woke up tired as heck this morning because I fell asleep kind of late last night, but I suppose that's nothing new. I didn't do any of my geometry the night before, and there were nine problems to do. So, I chose carefully: groan softly to myself about how I'm a lazy, pointless, blah blah blah. Or! Go to school, hurry up and get it done during first hour, and not worry about it until then because it's not a very big deal.

Woo for good decision making.

Then, our team lost the volleyball championship but I didn't really care. We played some good games, that just wasn't one of the better ones. We're not done with volleyball though; we'll be starting another tournament tomorrow with all-girl and all-boy teams. It should be interesting, I think. Then after that we're going to start alternating between hockey, going to the weight room, and running the mile weekly again. Eh. It might suck a bit, yes. I'm just trying to look forward to volleyball though, I'll survive the rest I'm sure.

I have a German test tomorrow, but I was a dummy and left my German folder and any properly-operating writing utensil in my locker, so I was completely unproductive. Cory eventually loaned me a pencil, but not until we were done with test review. Eh. I'll get stuff from Sarah though. German tests are never all that hard.

Oh, and IN BIOLOGY I GOT SARAH AS MY PARTNER FOR THE LAB. It was intense. I was so happy. I like, seriously wanted to hug Mr. Chesterfield. Which is creepy, but still. We were with Jeremiah too, and he's really not that bad of a partner. He's funny, if anything. Hehe. He's a cool kid, even if he cut off all his mucho-amazing hairr. [:

Then, oh Lord, the dreaded choir practice. I hung out with Sarah after school. First we walked around, ran a few errands, but eventually we ended up on a bench in the hallway, me burping beef sticks and Wild Cherry Pepsi and her trying not to laugh at my uncontrollable nuttiness. And trust me, I was pretty darn nutty today. I'm not sure what it is. Must be something in the air. That only affects me.

Concert choir - not so bad. I could sing a little better than I could in class, GOOD GOD I sucked in class. The anthem was horrible, like every time. We made zero improvement, so I just feel like crap and a half. But I guess I got better after I got something to drink, and CC was good. Then after that we had show choir, and choreographed the rest of Marshmallow World. It's not so bad, but we switch partners and move around a bunch and it still needs a lot of work to get put together well. I end up having to dance with Brittney, Kayla, and Levi, in that order. And my God, you have no idea how scared I was when Morgan told us she was only doing all of this rotation so that we all could get a chance to dance with one of the guys (three of them and nine of us). Can you say social anxiety mega? I screwed up twice out of the three times we ran through it, and that's amazing because I'm pretty sure I was shaking.

Gah, but I made it and it's done now. Which is good, because I'm beat. LAST DAY OF THE WEEK TOMORROW! We're having a Thanksgiving party in yearbook so my mom's making another batch of peanut butter fudge. Wooo. [: Tomorrow's going to be good, I can just feel it. Then it's Thanksgiving, and you just can't go wrong there.

What a blur.

2007-11-19T16:19:00.000-05:00

I don't remember much of today, honestly. I remember getting hit in the head with a volleyball - twice, hating biology a little more, dreading having to dance in show choir, Cory being sick in German, Micajah breaking up with Sean, beef sticks, and Wamp playing Drop It Like It's Hot in yearbook.

The latter was the sole highlight, basically. And in a weird way, so was the first. My head still kind of hurts.

I have so much money to turn in. Fifteen bucks for choir, solo & ensemble. I'm debating whether I really want to do a solo or not this year. It's SO much stress, but I think it's worth it? I don't know. I think I will though. I'd like to work up so I'm in division one by the time I'm a senior, so yeah. This might help.

Then drama is going to see A Christmas Carol sometime next month, and that's eight dollars. I, of course, have no money whatsoever. Sarah and Levi are going, so that was enough to persuade me. Levi was with us in Lively's room today, so it felt a little more gay.

HAH! I'm kidding, I love Levi and he's not really gay.

Lively said I should join Dunder Mifflin Infinity. HAH! And he was so serious about it, it was funny. He was like, "It's really cool. You get to make your own posters and everything."

Aha. I'm sorry, but what a nerd. It's cool though, aren't we all.

Hmm, tomorrow is the crap day. Sorta. We've got two choir rehearsals after school, but the test in German got moved back a day so it's not going to be quite as bad as I thought. I'll get through it all, I'm sure. Just the thought of it, blah.

2007-11-18T21:35:00.000-05:00

Everyone's gone to bed.

I'm really tired. I feel so drained, and I don't even know why. I haven't done anything today, I spent the majority of this afternoon in bed. Church was a bust, like three people died this week and our pastor wasn't there. The near entirety of yesterday was spent at Terre Haute, as much as I would've liked to lay in bed then too. I had to get my hair relaxed. I don't hate it, but I don't like it. Though I suppose I never do.

When I wasn't asleep today, I was dreading school. And I still am. I hate it. I hate it. Not all of it, just the lame classes I don't care about. Biology has moved down the list, completely most hated class. I like gym better than it now, which is sad. At least I'm getting something out of gym. Some stretching. Aerobics. It's good for me.

Biology is an effing waste of time, and I hate it.

Let me take that back. I hate labs. Labs that require us to work with partners, partners who don't know what they're doing. Labs that I get hardly anything out of because my partner screws up the data, and it'd just be so much easier for me to do the entire thing by myself.

Biology, in itself, might be kind of interesting. But. It doesn't matter, because I hate this class.

I'm so tired.

Though I'm really glad this week is a short week, it hardly matters much because Tuesday is going to be hell. I have a German test seventh hour, then I have choir rehearsal at 3:15. Then sopranos rehearse at four, and once that's over, we have show choir practice at 4:45. So basically, I won't be going home until, like... six. Maybe earlier, but now that we've got a new song to choreograph it'll probably be around six or something.

Show choir is kicking my butt. I really, really suck at it. But, I won't even go into that, or else I'll start crying again, and just...ugh. It sucks.

I have one thing to look forward to tomorrow, literally, and that's playing volleyball in gym. Sad, yes, my normally most hated class is now all I'm looking forward to.

I'm still trying to do this lab, the one I was just bitching about...and I realize I don't know how to graph. I don't know the difference between dependent and independent variables, how sad is that? I just like...have no clue. Or, I thought I did, but now I don't know. Because I have a hard time believing what I think is ever really right...no faith. Sigh.

Gah. Hate this.

Well. I don't know. Maybe the interweb can help me.

Lavell Crawford - Doctors, diets, and diabetes

2007-11-16T18:00:00.000-05:00

This is from Last Comic Standing, what us yearbook girls have recently been obsessed with. I don't watch Last Comic Standing, but I thought this was HILARIOUS. I was rolling the first time Wampler showed it to us. Hopefully you'll find it just as funny. [:

I LOVED today.

2007-11-16T15:33:00.000-05:00

It was fun. :]

After I did that in yearbook, everyone danced to Funkytown. It's emerging as our theme song this year, I think. So I'm kind of listening to it right now.

Thennn, in gym? We nearly lost our game, but we didn't. Which is good, because we rock. Then we did the skills test, and I was kind of mad because I suck, but when I actually went to do it in front of Mr. Maesch, you know? I GOT 20. I don't know how, but I got twenty. So I'm happy, that I didn't fail, I actually got an A.

So, woo for that.

Then English was pretty all right. We just did questions on Romeo & Juliet, and I hate the stupid questions in our literature book but I love the story. So it wasn't all that bad. And we talked about the differences between like, infatuation and love. Yess.

Then, biology. Ugh, we did a lab. I so hate labs. I need to fix it some over the weekend. Our data is all screwed up. I was with Jonathan, so yeah. But I'll fix it. Or something. And we have more time on Monday, so yeah.

Show choir was sooo much fun. Morgan came today, and we got a good portion of Marshmallow World choreographed. I'm partnered with Brittney the whole time, and she had to clarify to me that she's not a bitch, she just really doesn't like Morgan. Hah. I can tell. 'Cause she is really nice normally, but during choreography? It's a little scary, forreal.

German, eh. Was German. At the end of class we started on this dialogue and since Cory's my partner, yeah, it should be fun. It's super fun sitting in the back of class, even though half the time I forget to pay attention and I'm totally lost - but yeah. Back of the class is fun, she can't hear us laughing as as much. Woo. And then, dinosaur urine? Cory's so funny. He really is. [/swoon]

There are no words.

2007-11-16T09:32:00.000-05:00

To describe how good it feels to know that it's finally Friday.

At one point it seemed like this week was flying by, but yesterday I was so ready for it to be over I thought I'd die if I had to wait any longer for the weekend.

But now I'm close enough. I should be okay.

Next hour I have to do the volleyball skills test. It's not anything to be really super worried about, because I'm actually pretty good at volleyball (I know, Alexis good at a sport? Pfft) but I'd really like to - ahem - not fail this particular test, because of that. The grade margin is so slim anyway. You have to get 19-20 bumps in a row to get an A, 17-18 to get a B, 15-16 to get a C, and you get 10 (50%) for attempting. At least, I think that's what he told us a few weeks ago. I hope he eases them up a little bit, because I think that, like...12-14 should get you a C, 15-17 a B, and 18-20 an A. I think that's fair enough. I don't really care about my grade in there, but I've tried really hard at this particular thing, so I think I deserve something more than 50% just for attempting, because I've only been able to get over 15 once in the three times I've spent practicing the past few weeks.

Sigh, I'll shut up about that now.

We're looking at shirts for yearbook right now, but instead I'm eating a Hershey bar and typing this.

I am FINALLY getting my hair relaxed tomorrow. You have no idea how happy that makes me. My last one was during summer, in July while we were in Florida. That's like...3 months. Okay, it seems kind of longer than it was. My hair's super horrible though. It needs some kind of attention. I've pretty much done all I can with it.

Hah, hilarious thing this morning before I forget. Okay. Lord help us, my friends are on crack. Garrett was throwing paper balls around and he threw one at Dwayne. So Dwayne was like, in his uber hickish accent, "Somethin' just hit me in the ass." And I was talking to Julie, and she was like, "Yeah, I bet you're used to gettin' hit in the ass. BY YOUR BOYFRIEND'S BALLS." And she said that so loud, and right as she said that, Mr. Chesterfield comes walking down the hallway. It was all I could do not to burst out laughing. My God. It was so funny. xD

Everyone should watch Scrubs.

2007-11-15T19:30:00.000-05:00

It's like, so totally the best show ever.

It's not just EXTREMELY funny, but like, actually good. Go figure.

I was watching it tonight on Comedy Central, repeats from like...season five. In this episode Carla and Turk are having marital issues and Turk is having trouble figuring out what to do about it. At the same time, Dr. Kelso is dealing with losing respect from his patients, namely a girl who wants to get gastric bypass despite that he suggests she shouldn't, since she's only twenty-five. At the end, Dr. Kelso comes in and tells the patient what he thinks after Dr. Cox tells him he has to speak from his heart if he ever wants a chance at reaching his patients. In his little speech, he's technically talking to the girl, but since Turk and JD are in the room it applies what is going on with him, too. And at the end, when she asks him what to do if it gets too hard, he says, "Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy."

Yeah, if only it was Saturday.

2007-11-15T17:55:00.000-05:00

Today started out oddly. I was in a very, VERY bad mood this morning, when I woke up. I spent the entirety of the morning on the couch after I got dressed. I was dreading school. I really didn't want to go. I was upset with myself, for several unimportant reasons, and I didn't want to go to school where all those things would be staring me in the face. I didn't want to deal with it.

But I surprised myself, and I went. Not with the best attitude perhaps, but I went, and didn't even succumb to the idea of missing school. I knew it was a bad idea, I know from last year. The main ugly monster I was facing this morning was the fact that I didn't do my geometry homework, I didn’t even touch it. I didn’t know how much I had to do, and this morning when I realized all this, I didn’t have the slightest idea of what we even did yesterday. In itself, that wasn’t a big deal – but I made it one. All I could think about this morning was how stupid I was for putting it off until the last minute, along with all the other adjectives I could think of in relation to not doing something I should’ve. I just felt really, really lousy, though I’m sure that’s nothing new for anyone who’s around me, so it’s not like anyone noticed.

But I didn't have to do as much as I thought I would, and I got it done before class started, and it was okay. I was better after that, but still tired. I’ve been really tired lately, and I'm not quite sure why.

We watched more videos in yearbook today, from Last Comic Standing and Elf (officially the funniest movie I’ve totally forgotten about) and part of Thriller by Michael Jackson. Man, that video is looong.

Bah, and I just found out that this is the last new episode of The Office until the writers' strike is over. =/ That depresses me so, nothing to look forward on Thursdays again. Except for repeats, which is okay because I was asleep during some of them the last few weeks.

And today, I realized...I don't know, I know that I put too much pressure on myself in general, everyone's told me that, I've told myself that. But it's not like I'm incapable of just giving myself a break every once in a while, I'm just hesitant to do that because it seems like if I'm not pushing myself to do well at everything, I'm abandoning a part of myself. I don't feel like myself. I just get used to it, I identify with it - it's kind of like the anxiety and the depression I think, when something goes on for so long, it becomes a part of me and I don't really know how to function without it, no matter how negative it may be.

I mean, I guess. I'm really just guessing at what on earth's wrong with me. I really have no idea.

Question.

2007-11-14T20:15:00.000-05:00

What on earth is it inside me that needs everyone else's reassurance to even feel the slightest bit all right with myself, with who I am?

Why does it matter so much?

And what does it take, what will it take, for me to finally accept that everything is OKAY? That I'm okay. That it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. What makes them so great, so important in my eyes that I need to run everything by them first? Why do they matter at all? Who are they, in my eyes? What have they got to say that's so profound? What makes me think they have any opinion at all? What makes me think they even care?

I guess there's no reason to ask any of that. I sure as hell don't know.

I just don't get it. And I don't get why I'm so scared. So scared of myself. I feel like I'm hated, even though I'm not. Like I should be. Like I'm some despicable creature that no one should waste their time with, and yet I want them to. Just to let me know that that isn't true.

But no one will, because no one knows. I can't tell anyone anything, and we're back to the beginning - it's because I'm scared, because I'm scared of what they'll think if they really knew.

And it's so strange how the one person I trust...there is one person I trust, and somehow only one, and it's not even my mom. For some reason she's the only one I want to talk to right now, but she's got so much other shit going on in her life right now that I can't bother her with it, with all my stuff. And it's not like she's someone who'll always be there for me anyway, she's just a friend. We're just friends, and there's really nothing else behind that right now. But I feel like I need her, for some reason, you know. Like she'd listen if she could, if I had anything to say.

Choking on your alibis

2007-11-14T18:27:00.001-05:00

Everything I do feels so empty lately. I mean, it didn't really hit me until today. What kind of person is upset about getting a 107 on a biology test? I mean, really, who does that? It's stupid, it really is. Considering I really dislike biology, considering I found that test particularly difficult for some reason, I should be thrilled.

But I'm just not. And I know that sounds stupid; it feels stupid, too. I wish there was a way to convince myself that things are okay no matter how well I do or don't do things, because I know I always try my best. I really do. And I guess, I don't know, due to that I just expect that how hard I try should reflect how it all turns out in the end, and a lot of times it doesn't. And that's frustrating. I'm not used to not being good enough, and it's frustrating. More than that, really. Having to put your all into something just to keep your head above water. I guess it's just that I'm not used to that, at all, and that's why it's so hard for me. Because honestly, nobody expects anything of me besides myself. I mean, nobody whose opinion I care about. And I know nobody puts pressure on myself like I do. Pressure to do everything, and I feel like I can't do anything. It's overwhelming, it really is. I don't show it, I don't show stress very well. I show tiredness - I'm always tired, and I think I know why. I think I'm tired - mentally, emotionally, and physically - just from trying so hard, and not getting anything I want out of it.

Jealousy's a big part of that, too, I think. It's odd, because I know the people I'm jealous of, but I can never really pinpoint exactly what about them I'm so jealous of. Just them, as a person. I've always wanted to be a different person, but I never really thought about why I do.

But it's just like anything, it's because I just don't feel good enough. Or I just...I see these faults in myself, and I feel like they're blinding. I don't see fault in these people, these people I wish I was. And even though I may know obviously they must, or they wouldn't be human, I don't care. It seems like if I was more like them, if I could do whatever they do, I wouldn't feel like such an obvious failure. I wouldn't have as many insecurities, and I wouldn't worry so much, and I could do it all so much better...get out of this cycle.

You know what grinds my gears?

2007-11-14T16:33:00.001-05:00

Hah, Family Guy.

No, but really. Last weekend my dad told me that apparently, Project Runway was premiering this week. I was like, WTF. I completely forgot about that show, honestly, and figured that I'd hear about it first from somewhere other than my dad. And now I'm seeing stuff about it online, how it's supposedly the best season yet.

It premieres tonight, I do believe. Yeah, at ten.

But I don't have Bravo. The only reason I know about this show is that last season, I first saw it while at my dad's during the summer and completely fell in love with it. And understandably so - it's still one of my favorite reality shows, I'd watch repeats of Project Runway over almost anything.

But I don't have Bravo. GAH! It's awful, only having remote access to a completely brilliant show. You know how much happier I'd be if I could get a weekly dose of Tim Gunn?

A lot more, that's how much.

Sigh. Stupid cheap cable.

When you're dialing six numbers just to hang up the phone

2007-11-13T18:06:00.001-05:00

I had an off day today. Things were kind of awkward, all around. I ended up crying a lot this morning and I don't even remember why. Sometimes I think I just get upset for the sake of crying, like there are all these tears built up inside and I need a reason to let them out.

Feelings are so stupid, most of the time they're completely random and illogical and just get in the way of absolutely everything. I want a checklist of all the feelings I have about things and mark half of them off, just forget about them altogether. Leave my love of writing and music and the love I have for my family, and forget the rest, absolutely everything else.

But then they all sort of tie in together, and it's impossible for one of them to occur without the other feelings still intact. I'd have nothing to write about if I didn't have all this shit going on in the first place, that's the sad part. Not really sad, I guess. Just...generally, meh.

But I am very sick of this Cory thing, nevertheless. We won't go into that. I'm saving it for Briley tomorrow, when I get the chance. For some reason she's the only one who shows any remote interest in all of this nonsense, maybe because she was the one to go out with him and knew about this whole thing in the first place. I don't know. It's just nice that she cares.

Otherwise, today was...meh. Lunch was stupid, - well, not stupid. I take that back. It was a cool idea. They had the tables set up differently so everyone could sit at a new table, kind of to interact with different people, you know.

Well, I didn't go to lunch as soon as I saw what was going on. I went to Mrs. McDonald's room while Sarah finished her geometry paper, and we talked about stuff and I tried to work out some of the kinks in the show choir choreography while I was bored. (Practice sucked today, by the way.) But the whole time, I was feeling like such a loser. Like, being too scared to even try any of that, to even be there at all. I just let it get to me so much and I don't know why... God, there were just so many people, and Lively's door was locked, and I had no idea where Kayla and Erin or anybody was. So I just, kind of...ran.

And I don't regret it, I just regret being the kind of person I am.

Title from the new Garth Brooks song, btw. More Than a Memory. I find it amazing. Gotta love Garth.

Canada's not a country!

2007-11-12T15:33:00.000-05:00

As predicted, I had a good day today. [: In like, all areas, all classes - which is a rarity.

Mrs. Thorlton was gone, which doesn't necessarily cause a joyous outburst that would start the day off right, but it wasn't so bad. Nobody was all that crazy in the presence of a sub and I got most of my work done, more than I thought I would. Yearbook was all right. No, wait, AMAZING. But only because Hampton played Ice, Ice Baby and I completely, absolutely adore that song. It's a father-daughter thing, he has more musical influence on me than I think he realizes.

So yeah, I disgusted Erin by rapping along. It was satisfactory, mega.

Gym was good too. I think our team won. Yeah, we did, because I was one of the last servers and that's when we got, like, six points. Because I rock? Of course.

I missed English Friday because of the program, but we started Romeo & Juliet. I don't know about everyone else, but I ADORE Shakespeare. I can't explain why, but I really love reading it - I found that out last year, when I read some of A Midsummer Night's Dream before we went to see the play for ASB. I think Sarah and I are the only ones who really enjoy it, but whatever. I find it fascinating. I need to get my notes finished, though...I forgot the book at school, nice.

Even BIOLOGY was good. My god, BIOLOGY. I HATE biology. Then again, today wasn't magically interesting, I just made the decision ahead of time to make an attempt at finding interest in whatever the heck we were talking about today. I looked up our homework agenda in yearbook, only to find out that unlike the other teachers, who simply write what we're going to do, he had this: Organic Chemistry - Indiana State Standards: B.1.4, B.1.5, B.1.6, B.1.9, B.1.10 1. Molecules of Life (Section 3-2 Notes).

THANKS DUDE, TELLS ME A LOT.

But yearbook is boring major so I went ahead and googled the Indiana standards and found out what we were doing ahead of time. Hah! That actually made it a lot easier to follow along, believe it or not. Mhmm.

Mrs. Rogers was gone today, so no after-school rehearsal! BAH! Made my day. Also, Kayla "catching the black" in show choir, dear God. I love Nick, it's so bad he's a senior - well not bad, but you know - he won't be here next year. Depressing, mega.

Then German. What did we learn, something about questions. Frankly, don't remember. Instead Cory decided to use this time to inform me about how the male brain functions. It came out of the blue, but it's not like I had anything else to do. Listen to Mrs. Edwards? That's all right, I'll pass. Bah, let's see if I can remember. There are five parts, apparently. First thing he mentioned was food, quite obvious, he's a chubster. Or maybe TV. Right, TV first, then food. Then liquids - he didn't say beverages, just liquids. Didn't have to elaborate on that much. Moving on. Fourth was miscellaneous - he had another term for it, but it was stupid. Stuff like hunting, fishing, and other things that really have no purpose other than to pass time - though doesn't include TV, odd. And lastly the female anatomy.

He's challenged me to observe everything that guys do and classify it. And I shall, just to humor him. God. What a nutter butter.

Oh yeah, and this morning Shayna swore to me Canada was a continent, not a country. Lord Almighty. I don't know how that girl gets dressed in the morning. She's a fruitcake.

I changed up the layout, woo!

2007-11-11T20:22:00.000-05:00

I can't help it. When it comes down to it, green & purple will always be my favorite color combination. Admittedly it's difficult to work with the particular shades of green on these templates, but I worked it out. As I always do.

New profile pic too, from Thursday when I prepped my hair for the Veteran's Day thingamajig on Friday. It looked better then than it did on Friday, but it's not like it mattered anyway. Friday sucked and I barely got to talk to Cory anyway.

Yes I am a hopeless teenage girl who only makes an effort to look nice when I want boys to notice me. Specifically, chubby redneck boys who love Zach Braff as much as I do.

Quite frankly that's the only reason I'm looking forward to school tomorrow, but whatever. A good outlook's a good outlook as far as I'm concerned, no matter what the reasoning behind it is.

What you know about me, what you, what you know about me.

2007-11-11T18:36:00.000-05:00

Haha, Dad really likes that Lip Gloss song. And I kind of do too, but don't tell my friends, I wouldn't be able to live it down.

I just got home, and I'm so glad, because I had to wait six hours to take another dose of Midol and even though it's probably been about seven or eight by now, I had nothing to drink in the car. So I waited. And they're still not all the way gone - man, I can only imagine what this weekend would've been like if I didn't have any Midol whatsoever.

Hell.

Well, I did some writing today. And even, like, good writing. Once I realized that this story was in a bad place, I went back to a good place and rewrote the next part, then deleted the page or so that I didn't like so much. It's better now, and I can move on with it. Usually I have trouble doing that - deleting stuff - but at this point, I really want this thing to work out. I don't want anything to hinder me, at this point. 'Cause I have a good feeling about it, and I really like it - obviously, I mean, I've had the general idea for about three years now. It's just nice to finally let it out. I just hope it doesn't end up crashing and burning like all my other attempts at recreation have.

Ah, speaking of writing, I should be putting some more poems up on my writing blog soon. I just don't have them all right now, they're at school. I left everything at school after the Veteran's Day fiasco. Ugh, I'm so glad that's all over with, that most of the choir stuff is over with until Christmas.

And it's almost Thanksgiving, woo.

I'm actually looking forward to school tomorrow, everyone should be happy about that. [:

You know what's fun?

2007-11-10T22:04:00.000-05:00

To look up rap lyrics and speak them articulately.

Yep, that's what I do on Saturday nights.

I used to be such a burning example

2007-11-10T20:38:00.000-05:00

Oh my Lord, OH MY LORD.

I'm in so much pain, have been for so long. All day, it seems. But really, only a few hours. Midol will usually kick it's freakin' butt, but I've already taken four pills today, the last two no more than two hours ago.

And yet, I suffer. Sigh.

I need to get back on the writing train. (Yes, train, I don't know, everything's a train.) I didn't write, like...at all this week (or maybe I did, I really don't know) instead I just keep...reading. I mean, I'll turn on the laptop. I'll sit there and be like, "So, what am I gonna do today?" And click on something, and look at the last page, and be like, "What the hell happened here?" And scroll a few pages up and be like, "Oh, now I remember." Keep reading. "Hey, this is good. I'm gonna start from the beginning." Scroll back up. Read the entire damn thing and then, get back to that last page and be like, "Wow, I don't know where I'm going with this." ... "Eh, I'm hungry." Shut it off, get up, forget about it.

And then, I'm trying really hard to read The Pact during SSR, but so far I'm only on page...eighty-something, maybe ninety or so. Okay, I should be able to finish a Picoult book in two days. I can't concentrate in Wamp's room on anything whatsoever, so reading is nearly...impossible. I want to socialize too much, and I never get anything read. In fact, how I've managed to swallow ninety pages and actually remember what's going on is a mystery to me. I've been working on this thing for like, a month now. I need to just borrow it and take it home and finish it and save myself the pain of having to wait, and wait, and wait.

Because she's got like, twelve or something books. If I'm going to read them all, I need to get cracking.

So yeah, kind of in a creative slump. I don't know why. Lately, as in, this week, probably just because of how tired I've been, physically/emotionally and all that jazz. Otherwise, I don't know. I was working really hard on this particular story, but then it just fell flat. And I don't really know where to go. And when I have these breaks where I'm kind of unsure about where it's going, I start to question the entire thing and it ends up going nowhere.

But I really don't want that to happen. 'Cause I like it. So I should probably do something. But right now I have cramps.

Changity chang shoo bop

2007-11-10T12:42:00.001-05:00

I'm trying not to get too down this weekend, even with all the PMS going on, but it's a little hard. I've got the basic stuff. I've been writing, chilling in my room because it's cold (get it, chilling? Hah, I didn't even plan that...). After I got a shower I realized I don't have a comb, or a brush, or anything at all. Which means my hair looks...atrocious, yes, I do believe that's the correct word. No really, I look like a hobo.

Strangely, I'm okay with that.

I think I owe the good mood to Grease. Yes, I really don't favor the movie much, I only ever watch it for the music and John Travolta. But I've got the soundtrack on my iPod, and lately I'm into musical soundtracks lots. Kayla and I were talking about it on Wednesday, and when she sang the entirety of We Go Together I was like, amazed.

Then I made it my personal goal to outdo her, because it's fun and amazing and makes me happy, especially with the knowledge that I've memorized all the nonsensical syllables.

And then, I just like to sing Greased Lightning. Sarah said that if we ever do Grease for drama club, I could totally be Danny. It'd be awkward, but she's right. We could totally make it work.

Okay, more talk of today.

2007-11-09T18:40:00.000-05:00

Earlier I was in such a bad mood, but after I talked to my mom and got a little something to eat I perked up a bit. Now I'm at my dad's, and I feel better.

The main thing today was the program - it was basically the ONLY thing today, in retrospect. The only class I really did anything in was biology, and geometry I suppose. But that was just taking notes and finishing my paper for ASPIRE. I missed English because of rehearsal, and yearbook wasn't anything because we didn't go to Rode's room and just sat in Wamp's room instead, watching videos of Last Comic Standing on youtube (MY BABY'S GOT THE SUGAR!).

That said, the program kind of consumed my day. First rehearsal, which was at eleven. It wasn't too bad. I had been practicing the alto part of American Pride on my own, because it's kind of freaky at the end. It clashes with the melody almost, and generally is just really difficult for me to get. And during rehearsal I did pretty well, I just discovered I barely knew the words. Still, not a big deal. When we did the anthem, it kind of sucked. Not as much as it did during the actual performance, but that's another story. But after our first run-through of it anyway, we hear this music suddenly blaring from the speaker behind us and it turns out the elementary principal (WOO!) is here to sing her little God Bless America solo.

Gag me.

Okay, the performance itself sucked - I'm talking about hers, now. I didn't like it, she sings in this falsetto voice that I just really don't particularly favor, and at the end she hits this high note - A, B, C, D, E, G, something, I don't know what - and we ALMOST DIED. It was horrendous, let me tell you. What was worse was that the entire time, we were messing around singing God Bless America in this hick accent (Mrs. Rogers is always hounding us about "leaving the Hoosier out" of our singing, so we were getting it out of our system) and then all of a sudden, glass is breaking.

Gag me some more. When she actually performed it, it was so hard not to laugh - at the point where she asked everyone to stand up and sing along with her, the kids (mostly high school, I'm sure) all GROANED. And not just like, a few. Like we were sitting down at the bottom, south corner of the bleachers and as soon as I said it I here these guttural group of groans as everyone is standing up. I was on the verge of cracking up, but I couldn't and it was awful.

I guess we weren't that bad, really. I didn't get the last part of the anthem or American Pride, individually I really did awful. I think that's what got me in such a bad mood, believe it or not. And then, just, when I screw up one thing I think of everything else I've screwed up recently, I think of all the things I've neglected/forgotten to do, things that are wrong with me, things that are right with everyone else. The fact I was sitting next to Kylee the entire time was not helpful. She's a sweetheart and I love her to death, but she makes me so jealous I want to kill myself. Just get it over with, face it, I suck, there's no point. I really did feel like that, during the program today. And I just had to sit there, and wait.

I even wore make-up today, and did my hair, and tried to look pretty. And I felt it, too, until I saw everyone else. I didn't see or talk at all to Cory today, and the bad news is I still can't tell if that's good or bad. Good because I want to avoid him, true. Bad because, as horribly hard as it is for me to admit, you gotta know the only reason I put that much effort into it (my hair took twenty minutes out of my thirty-minute morning preparation, which is twenty more than usual) is because I wanted him to notice me, and fact is he didn't.

Gag me some more, why do I even bother.

Sorry Veterans

2007-11-09T15:42:00.000-05:00

I love you and all, but the program today really sucked.

It's not their fault, it's not anyone's fault really. I mean, besides some kids for being idiots, but that's never gonna stop. It was just really awful, I mean, dealing with it all. It was in the afternoon so we just barely got done before school was dismissed, and then once it was done they dismissed school altogether so we were left taking down the risers and the speakers and I was scared to death that I was going to miss my bus.

I didn't, but still. I almost cried on the way home. I don't know, I just don't handle stress very well in public. I'm basically thrilled this week is over, I'm so done with everything. But then there's just this weekend and everything else, and I'm so tired and shit, I just want to stay home. I really just want to stay home...

Bah, I know, it's my own fault.

2007-11-08T16:13:00.000-05:00

Likely is, at least. I mean, start out the day with a bad idea of what's going on and that's probably gonna be the case. And that's what I did. But I don't regret it, I do believe I needed a day to sulk. Not to mention I just had immense opportunities. Yearbook sucked, lunch sucked, German (kind of) sucked. I didn't quite eat my heart out in chocolate though, under the circumstances, it'd be rather understandable if I did.

I had a bio test; probably mentioned that yesterday. It wasn't hard, it just took a while, I guess. And then - this is so stupid - one of the short answer problems was a simple, mass/volume = density type of thing, right? Well, my stupid calculator is being, you guessed it, stupid. And for some reason, it's not giving me decimal answers. Like, I had to divide 400 by 2500, and it was just giving me zero. It's actually not my calculator so I didn't know what the heck was wrong with it, so I - stupid me - just left that answer blank. I tried to do it out by hand, you know, but I was so flustered about getting the rest done that I couldn't think straight (snicker) and I just couldn't. Then, of course, as soon as the test is over I decide to mess with the calculator - first thing I do, it's fixed. Expletive expletive expletive - I'm mad, but I move on. I just hope it wasn't worth much.

Gym was really great today, though. We're playing volleyball as I may have mentioned, and I LOVE IT. It kind of sucked because serving bruises my hand major, but as long as I don't suck at it, I'm a happy camper. Our team won today, I think we're great. We've got John, Holli, Sarah, Brandon, Jeremiah, and me, of course. Besides me hitting the ball out and John constantly hitting things into the net/out of bounds, we're pretty good. Holli's on varsity, so yeah. It's fun.

The rest of the day was...blah. Lunch sucked, I tried to sleep. They watched some dumb movie and I purposely didn't pay attention. I don't think I was mad at anything in particular, but the whole time was kind of a blur to me. I finally broke out my iPod and started playing games just because I was bored, didn't talk to anyone. I liked it that way.

Being a jerk is probably not the best way to solve a problem, but at this point I don't care.

Tomorrow is the Veteran's Day program, and I have nothing to wear. Hah. I ripped my dress last night while I was washing it - I still don't know how that happened, it must've caught caught on something and just...ripped. So. I have little to no choices left, but I guess if I don't have to wear the stuff all day it won't be too bad. Sigh, I need more dress clothes if I plan to do this choir thing any longer.

I have a feeling today might suck.

2007-11-08T09:48:00.000-05:00

I just feel really down, you know?

The whole jealousy thing's back, that's probably why. I need to chill. I get really worked up over some stupid things because I let myself feel hurt too easily, make myself the victim when no one's really done anything specifically to me at all. I just put myself in that position. I don't know why, do I just need a reason to feel sorry for myself? I'd been happy for a while, in an off-and-on way, for the past few weeks or so until now. Or at least okay, I guess. And now it's not like I'm not, there's just this ugliness creeping back up again that I really don't want to deal with.

I don't think I'm purposely making myself feel this way, I think I'm just taking things out of context and overreacting to them. I'm too sensitive, I let things bother me that shouldn't. And then I feel weak for ever feeling that way, and want to forget the whole thing ever happened. But I guess it's something that never changes, it just goes on and off depending on what's going on. I've always been this way, I just hadn't lately, because I had no reason to. And now I do, so I'm faced with the struggle of trying to figure out what to do. Do I just pretend like nothing goes on, when I get my feelings hurt? Just because of how it happened doesn't make me feel any different, when I feel bad I feel bad. Might be a stupid reason...I don't know. Maybe it's not, maybe it is justifiable as to why I feel the way I do, and I'm just overthinking it. Could very well be the case. I do need to chill though...stop freaking out over things and then just not talk about them, especially if it's something like this, that isn't going to go away.

Bell's gonna ring soon, I'll cut it out here. Tschuess.

Volleyball injury

2007-11-07T18:59:00.000-05:00

Yes, already. And we haven't played an actual game yet. Didn't involve me getting hit in the head, though, which I suppose is a good thing.

But now my hand is bruised, my wrist just slightly, and then the first knuckle on my right hand is completely bruised and swollen, red in this one place where it especially hurts. It doesn't just hurt to move, it kind of throbs regularly. I could barely write during English, so then I tried doing it with my left hand and that was pretty...unsuccessful.

I have a test tomorrow, it will suck royally. Biology, actually. I just...I hate it, I really do. I think the idea of not understanding it all makes me not want to even try, which is kind of stupid to think about - but it's how I work. Ugh, I left my geometry at school too. Doubly stupid.

I ought to start being responsible and getting things together but it's not quite happening.

Second I Hate Cory Day, but it was harder to show it. I have trouble staying mad at him, at anyone really. I can get mad easily, staying mad is tough. But knowing me I'll try harder tomorrow.

I also had an I Feel Ugly Day, which didn't really help much of anything. Once I'm at that point it's just a domino affect of other bad feelings; stupidworthlesspointlessetc. I shouldn't complain because I bring it all on myself, but still. Not the best way to feel on a day like today.

I took a break from this and studied biology for a bit, proud of me? I'm not really either, it makes up for like two seconds of an hour of things I've neglected doing lately.

My mom's long-lost foster child called just a while ago, Ashley. She was here for about a year when I was in second/third grade, I think, during the time we moved. I don't remember much of her, 'cept she made me jealous 'cause she was all skinny and I was a pudgy little thing. She was like, a freshman then though. Now she's married, she just had a baby. From what I could eavesdrop, she's doing well. A more positive result of the foster care system, for the most part.

Blah, laundry, I oughta get off the computer. I like saying tschuess at the end of blog entries, makes me feel like I'm actually learning something from German. And I'll note two words I learned today, the words for village (which apparently coincides with our version of town, so that's what I call this place) and dirty. Two of which Cory and I found especially hilarious, Dorf and schmutzig (respectively). Using them both in the same sentence is like, joyous. Meine Dorf ist sehr schmutzig. Hah! Okay, I'm done. Tschuess.

The tale of an uncoordinated loser

2007-11-06T19:02:00.000-05:00

I suck at show choir, so much.

I just can't THINK and MOVE at the same time, I swear. It's awful. I guess tonight maybe I was just distracted, I tried not to be but I think I was. I eventually got some issues fixed but most of the time I just felt, well, see title. I'm so tired now, so tired. And the worst part is, I still have homework to do from geometry - today and yesterday's. I wish I had been smart (stupid?) enough to leave it at school so at least I'd have an alibi as to why I didn't get it done, but since I have it I feel obligated. I don't think I understand the stuff from yesterday though, why it's still not done today. Ugh. I like geometry and it's easy, but I just didn't get that stuff on Monday. I don't know if it was over my head or if I just missed something, but you know.

I told Sarah part of my story today, except we must've drifted into a different conversation while I was still thinking about it, because I answered her question like ten minutes later. It got silent for a second and I was like, "Oh, she asked me what my story was about." So I was like, "She's walking through the woods and finds a dead girl's body. But that isn't even the plot, just like part of the exposition." And Sarah looked up at me with this terrified look and was like "WHAT?"

Then of course I burst into laughter and tried to explain but Sarah still had no idea what I was talking about and I felt weird, because we were in the middle of the library and I don't think she was the only one that heard me.

[/runon]

THE OFFICE TONIGHT ON TBS AT 10. I think. Or nine? No, Family Guy at nine. OH, MINI MARATHON OF FAMILY GUY TOO. Tuesday is heaven night on TBS, it's like all I look forward to. It makes me REALLY want to forget about geometry, but I know I shouldn't do that. I should probably look over - what's it called - biology, too, because of that test on Thursday. Man, school sucks. I miss like...fourth, fifth, sixth grade - where we hardly did anything, had board races and spelling bees and I barely had to really think about anything ever.

Especially sixth grade. Even with that summer crap, it was still generally a really good year. Sigh.

Freakin' insane Tuesday

2007-11-06T15:29:00.000-05:00

Eh, what can I say, I survived.

I ended up coming back to school during gym, which was good because I got to practice for the skills test - I need to, we have to bump the ball twenty times and the most I can do is eight. I know I can, I just don't really have enough time to practice like I need to.

Anyway. So, yeah. The appointment went well, better than I expected it to. I mean...I surprised myself, by how easy it was for me to talk about particular things - things that happened years ago, that I've only mentioned a few times ever, and only to my mother. The therapist is really nice - Melissa is her name, I think? She has a nickname she goes by, I forgot it already. I was so tired, though. Amazing that I could function so well that early, without breakfast or anything. I was super nervous beforehand, my stomach hurt and everything. It went well though. And then we got to go to McDonald's for breakfast, which never fails to make me happy. [:

I've got show choir practice in about an hour, but I'm okay with everything, I think. We're kind of screwy right now because it's really early - like we just learned the steps and everything, to only part of the song - and once we get more of it together tonight I think it'll be a lot smoother. And I got all the practices in my assignment book plus another schedule, so my mom doesn't have to freak about not knowing anymore.

Gahhh. I just randomly got up and tried on my 'old' (from like, two months ago) jeans because these two pairs fit but are kinda big and constantly falling down when I'm trying to dance in show choir, so. I tried on the other ones, that I was wearing at the beginning of the year, and now, not only don't they fit, I CAN'T EVEN GET THE M-EFFERS ON. Lord almighty. So now I'm like, back to square one...the square one which existed about, two years ago. IT'S SEVENTH GRADE ALL OVER AGAIN. Gah. This is sad. Not bad, really...just, sad.

It's cold today. I wore the new long-sleeve drama shirt. It has this monster on it and says "We're Larger Than Life". Stupid, I know. But they're this dark green and the design is cool, so I like it. Micajah wore it today too. We were twinsies.

I had an I Hate Cory Day again. Blah, I'll probably be over it tomorrow. I just wanna slap him. Quite frankly, I don't care if he acts like a pig, but could he have the decency to try not to act like a pig around me, and to just act like one around all the other pigs? Because that would be nice. Sigh, I ought to figure out another passive way to tell him that. The silent treatment's so amateur. Plus I don't like being quiet on purpose.

It's only Tuesday, but for some reason it feels like the week should be much farther along than that. There's still so much left to do. Veteran's Day performance(s), biology test Thursday. It's kind of going to suck.

Bah, did I mention the next appointment - the only one they could get me in for after school - is at four o' clock on December 5th? It will be so close to our Christmas performance then that I won't be able to breathe. (In, out; in, out - inside joke from Oklahoma, OH MILANTA. Cracks me up every time.)

Meh, I should go eat something so I don't starve at show choir. Tschuess!

I can't believe

2007-11-05T19:54:00.000-05:00

I get to miss some school tomorrow and still have to wake up as early as normal, if not more so.

What kind of counseling appointment do you go to at eight o' clock in the morning? Tell me that.

I'm in a better mood, but not after spilling my guts on my other blog. (Ha, I first spelled that bloog. I love typos.)

You know what? I'm bored and I found this particular assignment quite enjoyable to write and to read over, and Sarah certainly laughed when she proofread it during English - then again she knows the craziness that sparked the whole idea in the first place. I might've mentioned this already. We had to write about a childhood memory in English, and I couldn't remember anything for the life of me. So to kill time, Sarah and I started piecing together an introduction for something about my wicked stepmother. I thought it was hilarious, but I knew I couldn't actually write that for an assignment.

Then I realized I didn't have anything else better in mind and I could actually remember things involving her insanity, so I went with it. And thus, this glorious creation - it still cracks me up every time. :]

I hope she never reads this. I'd die. (I'm not even kidding, I just might.)

(A Brief Example of) How My Step Mother Ruined My Childhood

She’s been called a nutcase. My mom thinks she needs therapy. She was married and divorced by the age of twenty-two. She's larger than life, literally. She met my dad in a bar. And then he married her.

Her name is Tina, and she’s my step mom.

Rumor has it (otherwise known as, my mom thinks) that he only married her because she claimed to be pregnant. But these faux pregnancies have yet to produce an actual baby. There has, however, been a significant amount of weight gain in the past six years (or however long she’s been torturing me), but that’s really nothing new.

I may be considered cruel for calling her fat, but well, the truth hurts. And as cruel as she’s been to me for seemingly my entire life, I think she deserves it. Honestly, I can’t count the number of times she’s scarred me emotionally (though I have overcome most of them since). A lot of them, I probably can’t remember. And if it wasn’t for my mom’s intervention on some of them, they probably would’ve gone unnoticed by everyone.

She’s one of those people who like to cause drama. I’m one of those people who like to avoid drama. However, she somehow came to use me as her starting point for most of these drama-filled rampages.

So it should’ve been no surprise to me when I was called down to the office during the middle of fifth grade. Now, this was a rarity for me – a first, actually. I had just won our weekly spelling bee and was getting ready to enjoy a can of Coca-Cola when the phone rang. I thought to myself, “Wouldn’t it suck if that was for me?” But why on earth would it be? It never had been before.

It was.

I walked down to the office and I’m sure I was shaking. I didn’t think they would have any reason to get me in trouble for anything. But why else would I be sent to the office? It didn’t matter. I was nervous anyway. But as soon as I sat down in the guidance office and the two men told me who they were, I knew.

Tina, the demented stepmother from hell, had sent a report to Child Protective Services claiming that my mother had neglected me. And though this idea was preposterous, I couldn’t help but feel slightly responsible. While I was at my dad’s house, she had sat there writing something up and asking me questions about things that I just considered old and irrelevant, but answered as honestly as I could anyway. I didn’t know what she was writing or why she was asking me anything; I knew most of the things she did were weird and didn’t make sense to me anyway, so I just went along with it. I was only ten.

In result, these two guys had to come down to our school and listen to me explain the truth that my stepmother had twisted around to get my mother in trouble; a total waste of time. As I walked out of the office afterward, I couldn’t help but laugh. My mom didn’t find it as funny, but I did. “Why would she do something like this?” I thought to myself. I was too young to know.

But now I do. It’s quite simple: she has no life. In fact, the only reason she hasn’t done anything crazy like that lately is because she has cancer, also known as something to occupy her time. Sad, but true. So if you ever see me happy about my step mom’s cancer, it’s not technically because I hate her, nor do I want her to die – she can be an all right person when she’s not off the deep end. It’s just because she’s finally too busy saving her own life to ruin mine.

Sigh sigh sigh.

2007-11-05T15:29:00.001-05:00

I feel like I just kind of moved through today in a fog. I dunno why. Lack of sleep isn't an issue, I went to bed at seven last night. Even though I woke up at four... I don't know. I just wasn't in the mood to do anything and thus, didn't get much of anything done. I think part of that's 'cause I was just thinking about tomorrow though, and then when you add that to all the other stuff taking up space in my mind it kinda makes sense.

I've got a counseling appointment tomorrow - at eight-thirty in the morning. I don't know why I'm terrified but I am. It's not with Tara, it's with somebody else, at an entirely different place. Still in Terre Haute, but, you know. I don't want to do all that and then just...come to school late. I don't know why, I just hate coming in late. Quite frankly I'd rather skip the entire day, but I can't see me letting myself do that. Unless I could find away to get around stuff - but then I'd miss choir rehearsal after school, and unless I would be assertive enough to schedule a make-up session, that'd drop my grade down another notch.

But I want to miss school really bad. I just hate it so much lately.

I feel so out of place lately, like I'm screwing everybody up and doing everything wrong. I couldn't remember any of the steps in show choir today. None. I had no idea what I was doing basically the entire time. And then I found out we have rehearsal tomorrow, which my mom is going to yell at me about because she didn't know about it. Yeah, well, I didn't either. God, Mondays just suck.

Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain [:

2007-11-05T09:30:00.000-05:00

We went to see Oklahoma yesterday with the show/concert choir - the play was all right - but we had SO much fun on the bus. I really can't keep track of all the stuff that went down, everybody was so random. It was basically Kayla, Levi, Nick, Mindy, and I in the back - Kelsey was there too, but she was listening to music nearly the entire time and yelling at us to shut up while she was on the phone. Which was funny, 'cause when she said that, Nick was like, "I wonder where shut up originated from." And that sparked an entirely new conversation to what we were previously talking about, which was about like, Mexicans I think.

We're awful, we really are.

We made fun of every semi truck driver that didn't honk for us. And on the way home we just made fun of everybody who passed us. At one point there was this old couple in a car and they were behind us for like, a half-hour. And this entire time, Levi and Kayla and I were like...talking to them. The lady wasn't moving, AT ALL, so we were like, "Hey Gramps, we think your wife might be dead." Then when they FINALLY decided to pass us, we realized Gramps was actually a woman and decided they were lesbians. Which in itself was kind of disturbing, but luckily that conversation didn't go very far.

And then there are so many things I can't even mention here. Before we left Mrs. Rogers told us how apparently the rules bus drivers have to follow have gotten a lot stricter this year, so we weren't supposed to do anything stupid like "making faces" at the cars that go by. So we didn't, we just danced and made hand gestures and yelled at them. And tried to identify their nationalities.

It was beyond amazing, it really was. Kayla and Levi were hyperventilating from laughing so hard, more than once. We got yelled at countless times at Mrs. Rogers telling us to shut up, and there were only like...three of us talking. Needless to say I'm pretty tired today, which is why I'm typing this instead of working on my page. Woo.

Since when is it Friday?

2007-11-02T16:49:00.000-04:00

I really kind of forgot. I fell asleep early last night, missed The Office, and since The Office is kind of my thing to do on Thursday, the following day kind of holds no significance. Then on the way out of school today, I was like, "Hey, is it Friday?" And Cory's like, "Yeah." And I was like DUDE.

So that's pretty cool. Except, we go to see Oklahoma on Sunday with the choir and that's at like, two in the afternoon since we're going to the lunch show and we're leaving at 9:30 and man, I'd just really rather not go.

But choir makes me feel obligated, and I'm sure I'll enjoy it. I'm just a loser sometimes.

But as for not being a loser today, I got a 100 on my geometry test. Geometry makes me feel like a genius. Because I like it AND I'm good at it. I'd say it's just because it's easy, but considering there are still people who get 70s and 60s on the test, I have to wonder.

We didn't have lunch with Lively today, he had to do something, so it was a little lame...but not really. We all still sat together, except when Garrett and Cory left to go outside Alec and Ross sat with us which was a little awkward. They're pretty crazy.

SPEAKING OF CRAZY! Today I finished my crazy "childhood memory", as it was supposed to be. I couldn't really think of anything when we started yesterday, so Sarah and I killed time by writing about my step mom like she was the main factor of misery in my childhood - which she kind of was, but I exaggerated major. Then today I decided to actually go with it, and even though it's kind of crazy/funny, it's not a bad paper, I don't think. I'm turning it in. It's called How My Step Mother Ruined My Childhood. Which in itself is an overstatement, but it certainly would've been millenniums better without her in it.

And even though she now has cancer and I should now feel bad, I had to incorporate that in. This is the latter half of my conclusion: "So if you ever see me happy about my step mom’s cancer, it’s not technically because I hate her, nor do I want her to die – she’s an all right person when she’s not off the deep-end. It’s just because she’s finally too busy saving her own life to ruin mine."

HAH! I love it. It's like my sole prize piece of writing, because I usually suck at these English writing assignments. So much pressure. And then I just let it go and just write about something insane yet true like this, and (in my eyes, at least) it turns out fabulous.

Sigh. I'll spare you with my little rants about Cory today, they're long and pointless and annoying and there are more important things in the world besides my delusional little crush.

Sam Perry Gilligan

2007-10-31T15:37:00.000-04:00

Apparently that's going to be the name of Cory's son that I refuse to have. He explained to me that he liked the name Sam, I think he chose Perry in honor of Dr. Cox, and Gilligan because he lost a bet with Garrett?

This is all we talked about in German. Oh, and laughed because Mrs. Edwards said "dick." Yes. It was a good day. Especially with the knowledge that she's going to be gone the next two days, MWAH! Not that I don't like her, it's just that substitutes are generally amazing, except for when they're in the awesome classes.

Then Shayna... Dear God. I don't know what's wrong with that girl. Every time I turned around and looked at her (she sits diagonal from me) she gave me this weird face and went "UHN!"

Gym was embarrassing. Our team scored absolutely nothing in soccer. Not to mention, it was rather somber. We're moving onto volleyball on Monday, and the next two days we're out of the gym because it's being refurbished or something that I didn't catch. So why's that somber? TWO DAYS. We only played soccer for two days, after like a week of soccer drills, we only actually got to play for two days. It basically sucks, 'cause that's a sport I actually LIKE. And me liking sports is a terribly rare thing.

But volleyball isn't that bad and I'm not horrendous at it (I did actually play once, for a year. HAH! Imagine me! Playing a sport! Yeah, I got hit in the head twice during a game. Certainly not the best player.)

And then, I finally got to hug Kylee today. I don't get to see her, at all. It's really sad. =/ But, anyway, the fact she's back is still enough to make me happy. Hopefully she'll be in drama, or something that I'm in, 'cause she's a cool kid and that just needs to happen.

Highlight of the day? Matt's fatsuit Halloween costume. It was outstanding - he, Garrett, and Cory all tried it on. Matt looked the funniest I think, but Cory was the highlight - we dared him to walk through the cafeteria with it on, and get a diet pop out of the machine. And unlike Garrett and Matt, he actually did. Gosh, I wish we would've gotten a picture. It was really great.

Oh yeah, it's Halloween? I don't really care. We don't celebrate Halloween, never had. My mom hates it. It just bugs me, for the most part. So yeah.

Today was kind of AMAZING.

2007-10-30T15:28:00.000-04:00

I mean, there was barely anything bad. Except failing the whole test in gym, but who really cares about gym when KYLEE'S BACK!?!

Yes, Kylee, my love. She's only been gone for this year so far, but I damn sure missed the little twirp. She moved to Indy with her mom over the summer, and I was so sad to see her go. She's such a joy to have around, such a sweetheart - she's got this bubbly personality that just does not go away, and she's kind of amazing like that. I only have one class with her, though. ]: Barely got to see her today.

Still, though. It's just good to know that she's here again.

We had the, um, party during lunch today. Hah. It was so lame. Mr. Lively got us pizza though, which was nice. :] I was planning to just snack on cookies and stuff. Hah, Matt tried to make 'fingers'. They ended up looking kind of like...not fingers. And they tasted pretty horrible, so I've heard. But it's all right. It was still fun, kinda, a little, aside from the lameness.

Really though, I can't recall the exact amazingness of today...I think everything kind of just went okay, and that seems amazing for me lately. Although today dragged on FOREVER and I thought classes were never going to end. It's all right.

I wrote some po-uh-tree today, since all my classes were boring me to death. Not too shabby, considering the fact I had a hard time thinking straight today.

I wore my purple camo flats too. :] And it hurt like hell, but they were cute. :]

God, a bit of a good day, finally.

2007-10-29T15:28:00.000-04:00

The whole attitude adjustment I gave myself over the weekend may or may have not had something to do with it... :]

I had to lead in gym today and quite frankly, I was scared to death. Like, my cheeks were flaming because I was positive I looked like an idiot while were doing jumping jacks, so basically I was looking around for someone who looked really stupid too so I didn't feel as bad...and then I saw Cory.

Haha he looks like such a dork when he jumps. Oh God, it was seriously hilarious. Made my day.

Speaking of looking like a dork, Matt cut his hair. It doesn't look awful, but I was getting used to his whole mushroom head look and now it's just awkward. Kind of sad.

Speaking of awkward! Gerran, the sexualharassingfreak is back! Back from Dugger! He transfered the first 9 weeks so he could play football, and now he's back. I only have two classes with him though, gym and biology. His locker isn't next to mine like it always has been, so there's no major association which is probably a good thing. He doesn't seem any more different than when he left, I'd barely spoken a word to him and he was already messing with my hair during biology. Kinda good to have him back, he's like a staple here.

I was nice to Sarah today. :]

Let's see, what else. Ah. Tomorrow we're having a Halloween party for spell bowl - it's official - and thus, they've all requested fudge. Lovely. So, my mom's going to get the stuff on her way home from Indy and I (yes, me!) am going to make it tonight...hopefully. If it turns out crappy I'll be to blame, because my mom makes EXCELLENT peanut butter fudge and I'm...well...a rookie.

And just, I feel a lot better today. Technically I've had a stomach ache all day but, unlike it's done in the past few weeks, it didn't, like, hinder me from doing anything else. I talked to Cory and Shayna today in German and for once, no bad feelings were felt. :] And you know what? Let today go down in history. Because today was the first time I was asked by someone - someone who I've actually heard use it before - whether or not I was offended by the N word. Instead of just saying it and eyeing me for a response, like other people have done. It was nice for a change.

Thanks Cory.

Power of Vitamin C?

2007-10-28T10:34:00.000-04:00

My dad's getting ready to tote me around Indy on a few site visits, but before I go I have a link and a few thoughts to share

http://www.drpinkus.com/

I heard this guy talking on two radio shows this morning when I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. At first I was really annoyed because I wanted to hear country music on the country station, darnit, but I was too lazy to change the station. So I just listened. And what I heard was all really interesting.

This guy, Dr. Michael Pinkus (took me a while to get over the name. Dr. Pinkus. Reminds me of Pinky and the Brain.) - well, you can see what he is, follow the link. He was (first) talking about these studies on Vitamin C and how an extreme lack of it can be really detrimental to our health. I don't have all the exact statistics because, like I said, five in the morning I was listening to this - but things like cancer, heart disease, and things like that could all be prevented with a large dosage of Vitamin C daily. And at first I was thinking, "Okay, another guy who says we need to take something extra to be healthy." I don't like taking EXTRA anything, which is why I avoid vitamins and stuff even though my mom tries to shove them down my throat. But later he explained how humans and a few other animals are the only ones who don't make their own Vitamin C. Guinea pigs and fruit bats were the other ones, I think. And other animals - just like, domestic house cats - make thousands of mgs of Vitamin C each day. And it prevents muscle pain and colds and all sorts of crap and gives you more energy (which I personally don't see with my animals, but whatever).

Normally I don't like alternative health care crap because my dad's always talking about it and, I, as my father's daughter, gladly go against everything he says. But by the end of listening to him for an hour, I was kind of convinced. Convinced enough to look up his website as soon as I got on the computer this morning.

Well, I have to get going so...check out the website, I haven't gotten the chance to yet because my dad's almost ready to go.

I think I made some serious progress today.

2007-10-27T21:43:00.001-04:00

Even besides that whole fiasco earlier this afternoon.

Despite how nervous I am over some things going on this upcoming week, I was able to finally do something besides gorge on food in order to get my mind off things. And in general, I managed to eat just enough today so that I only do so when I'm hungry - actual hunger I don't know if I felt at all in the past two weeks, it was just snack after snack after snack. Which is really sad, to think about it from the outside.

But I was really sad, so it all makes sense.

Then, the bracelet. Don't think I've mentioned the bracelet...no. Okay, well, remnants from last Sunday's church service. Still resonates with me, yes. I love our church. Anyway, Mark passed out these rubber bands (I only call it a bracelet...in fact it's just a rubber band with "Alexis is Amazing" written on it with pen) that we have to wear for a month. I say have to, we don't really have to. But I generally do what Mark says. He hasn't steered me wrong yet. And the purpose of all this is that every time we catch ourselves either worrying or complaining about something, we switch it to the other wrist. And by the end of the month we can see, by how much it's stretched out, exactly how much we waste time worrying and complaining in a month.

I'm bad at it. Thursday & Friday it didn't move at all because I was so happy I kind of forgot I was supposed to keep track of those things, and I definitely didn't spend two days in a row worry- and complaint-free. But today I'm back on it. I'm doing it less as a thing for church and more as a thing for myself - not just to show me how much I waste worrying and complaining, but kind of as a reminder that I shouldn't. And so once I catch myself I can usually stop. Which has provided me with quite a worry-free day, even though I spent part of this evening feeling rather feverish and I've been tormented with this pesky stomach ache since last night. I still don't know what the deal with that is.

But nevertheless...I just hope I can keep this up, in spite of all the things that will probably threaten to screw me up in the next week, especially since I accidentally skipped two doses of my anti-depressants. Oy. That's just...never good.

Better.

2007-10-27T17:45:00.000-04:00

I had a moment earlier. As you may have noticed.

Well, you see...I don't know. I guess I have nothing to explain, and nothing was really resolved like I wanted it to be. I just figured things out for myself for a change. Admittedly, I sulked a little. Spent most of the early part of this afternoon in my room. Cried for a bit. Country music cheered me up, but that didn't solve anything. Then I remembered the whole spiel from church last Sunday, the thing I actually put up here - "Worry about nothing; pray about everything." Yeah, that.

And well, it was kind of cool how it happened. A million things came together in my mind at once. I realized that I was only hurting myself by doing all this, and not improving anything at all. Being a perfectionist, worry-a-holic, that is. Tara told me that once, that worry is one of the most pointless emotions. It truly is. It accomplishes nothing. Then I was reminded of something else Tara told me, then I thought of that book I read last year, and basically this all came to me in a split-second and I figured out what I needed to do.

I wrote out something like a mission statement, a list of things that I either need to or need to stop doing, all of which are kind of simple, meaningless things on their own. But when put together they're basically all the things I'm doing wrong, all the ways I'm hurting myself, all the things that I could improve my life extremely by either doing or not doing. And they're not major things, like huge goals that I'm setting and ultimately going to fail at. No, they're just like...things in my life that I neglect doing, the type of things that if I could just get into the habit of doing could probably make me less of a spaz case when things really DO get complicated and stressful, you know?

Like, let's see. I've always been really insecure about my skin, but I have a huge issue with remembering to use all the face products my mom buys me even though I know they'd ultimately help if I could keep it up consistently. So I put that on the list. Most of the things are things that I do, just not...consistently. Which in some cases, is a must. So I typed up everything I could think of and hopefully, having it all written down will keep it a little more organized and together in my mind instead of just a handful of things floating around that I'll ultimately forget to do.

And in the end, it all comes down to two things: things I can control and things I can't. I worry about them both. My main goal is...for now...to accept all the things I have no control over and to change all the things I can control. And for all the things in-between...that I don't have any control over but that I really would like to change anyway...I just pray about it, and don't waste any more time worrying.

Where does the good go?

2007-10-27T12:39:00.001-04:00

Two days of nothing, it's back to reality.

It's another weekend in the wake of a week, and there's just nothing good about that.

It's amazing how great I felt last night in comparison to this morning. It's just like... There's something to dread again, the break from reality is over, and I'm back to hating close to everything.

I don't like feeling this all the time, but it feels like all I know how to do anymore. It seems like I should be in control of stuff like this, how I feel, but I'm not.

I'm really tired, and I slept forever last night, and the night before. I think it's just the thought of everything that's making me tired...the idea of everything I may have to do this upcoming week. It wears me out, which is sad.

Yesterday...I thought I had everything figured out, and over last night it just all seemed to crumble. Note the mood change.

I don't want to deal with this. I don't think it's worth anything. I think I'm just going to do all of this for nothing, grow up and be a failure. Because all my dreams are unrealistic and stupid anyway.

You know why I'm saying this? You know what the real reason behind every bad mood is? Because I expect all that I do, no matter what it is, to not just be good but EXCEPTIONAL. I get in this mindset that everything has to be perfect. And by perfect I don't mean flawless, I mean, above what's expected of me, above my own and everyone else's standards. That's the problem with me...I don't have a standard, I don't have a goal. I just want everything to be better. It's so vague, it's horrible. And I know why it's like this; it's built up over years of me being "better" at everyone else in most - certainly not all - but most things I do. And as times goes on I just expect myself to get better and better at anything and everything, but it doesn't work that way. It just doesn't. Most of the time nothing improves at all, and that's where the word "failure" comes in, that's when I start putting myself down and that's when I get into this cycle that I'm in. Of being depressed and feeling like a failure (translation; not good enough) and just generally not knowing how to feel better about myself.

My mom got me into counseling, but that's like...two weeks away. It's no help for me now.

I wish I didn't have to care so much. I wish it didn't matter so much to me if I wasn't as good at something as I'd like to be. But I can't. It just tears me apart.

I need to talk to someone.

My dad left without me.

2007-10-27T11:50:00.000-04:00

It's not even twelve yet, and he left for grocery shopping without me.

What on earth is the rush? He told me last night he didn't have much to get. Yet when I'm in bed this morning, he leaves without me.

Sigh.

You know what really sucks? I have school on Monday. I don't even want to deal with it right now and it's only Saturday. When did I start hating school so much? I don't know. It didn't used to be this big of a deal...

I was so happy these past two days, I don't want all that to go away.

Thursday Night Comedy

2007-10-26T10:52:00.000-04:00

Last night was the premiere episode of the FINAL SEASON of Scrubs.

Oh. My. God.

I didn't know it was the final season. Why didn't anyone let me know this was the final season? I feel out of the loop now. I'm devastated. FINAL SEASON. NO. Scrubs is never supposed to end. It's too amazing to end.

Sigh.

Last night's Office was way funnier anyway. I loved Dwight's little "Second Life" game and how he was like, "Second life is exactly the same as my real life. Except in my second life, I can fly." And then they showed his avatar like, taking off in flight... Oh my gosh, you've got no idea how hard I laughed at that.

And then Andy trying to remember all of the Kit Kat Bar jingle. I have caption on my TV so I caught, like, every thing he tried to say whereas I normally might've missed it. And I completely burst out laughing when he was outside getting ready for the commercial and Michael was trying to talk to him and he was like, "Break me off a piece of that grey poupon..."

I laughed SO HARD. And at the end where he decided it was "fancy feast". Yeah. That was pretty much amazing.

The Office, I <3 you.

Mr. Lively asked me if I signed up for Dunder Mifflin Infinity, which apparently he has, and I had no idea what it was until just now. An online division of Dunder Mifflin, Inc. Paper Company. Wow. What a dork. Mr. Lively, that is. Hah. But in a good way.

I don't remember much of Scrubs, just Elliott (is it Elliott or Elliot? I'll stick with Elliott. Looks better.) being a stupid pig whore. And yeah, that's pretty much it. The end was so depressing. I'm so sick of JD & Elliott. I really am.

When she doesn't have to do anything, she has the motivation to look nice. Pictures inevitable.

2007-10-25T12:13:00.000-04:00

If you can imagine, I was bored today. So I was like, woo, let's take some pictures! And I did. I got a picture of my dog and attempted to get a picture of my cat, but she won't hold still for anything and that just didn't happen. So I took a picture with my little Pikachu figurine instead. He's kind of like a pet anyway.

I tried to do a video of the Star-Spangled Banner, too, but it turned out a little rough. I put it on youtube anyway, but then I took it off upon realizing exactly how rough it really was. Believe it or not, it's pretty hard to sing it normally, the melody, after spending three weeks drilling the alto part of a particular version into your head. Thus, the roughness. Now I could do my alto section just fine...unfortunately, it doesn't sound too great on its own.

I might try another song tomorrow.

Brittany Snow's Anorexia Battle

2007-10-25T08:28:00.000-04:00

Yesterday when I was stuck in the waiting room at the doctor's office waiting for my mom to get her bloodwork done (IT TOOK FOREVER!) I was able to kill time with some magazines of which I normally don't read. I started out with Newsweek but it wasn't that interesting. Turns out I'm a sucker for all that Hollywood crap so I breezed through two issues of People.

And in one of those issues, there was an article about Brittany Snow (Hairspray, John Tucker Must Die - ring a bell?) and her struggle with anorexia.

I've never actually understood the disorder, I suppose. Or I've never made an effort to. It was just really sad to read about her, this girl who I always thought was picture-perfect no matter what, dieting at the age of twelve and then thriving off the attention she got from losing weight. Striving to be, not just skinny, but unhealthy.

I guess I'm naive in the sense that I've always assumed that only "fat" people have issues with food (which btw I am officially not fat, the doctor's chart said so. Just "overweight". Apparently there's a difference.) Or maybe not with food, but weight in general. Me, I could never do that. I mean, I have too much of an issue with overeating to limit myself to anything; nevertheless, it's still a problem. It's a different take on the same issue. And well, by the end of the article I was really glad that I'd read it - made me realize how much we all really have in common, and made me hope that someone else who's perhaps going through the same thing is able to reach out and get help.

I have the theme to iCarly in my head.

2007-10-25T08:01:00.000-04:00

I don't even watch the show, I just kept seeing those commercials on Nick about her recording the theme song with Drake Bell so now it's in my head.

I had a weird dream last night, it was like, about my story but it had people I know in it. Basically, we went and raided this Amish family's house because we thought they killed this little girl and for some reason we ended up taking their dog, and then I don't know where we were going. And for some reason, the entire time, Bryson was in the trunk.

...Yeah.

I don't have to go to school. Ha!

Thing is, I didn't get to do that stay-up-late/sleep-in thing because I'm basically a wimp and I fell asleep at like, ten last night. Thus, I woke up at about six. But I don't have to get up and go anywhere, so it's all good. And since the internet's back up, I won't completely die of boredom.

I tried to get over it, but I still like Cory. Can't help it. He's too darn cute.

2007-10-24T20:47:00.001-04:00

So basically, our internet's been out like...all day, and most of yesterday. On and off all week, really, and we couldn't figure out why. So after Jeff got off the phone with the cable/internet guy, he was trying to figure stuff out for himself and the CABLE was unplugged.

Which definitely explains it.

So, yeah. Woo, it's fall break. :] Hah. Today was a ton better than yesterday, even though Cory may have broken his wrist or something and I had to get blood drawn at the doctor. Eh. But, it's all good. I truly don't give a flip about anything right now... I'm so tired of everything, I'm so glad I can just stay home tomorrow. And Friday. And even though I have to go to my dad's on Friday...that's all right. I haven't seen him in like, three weeks anyway.

Whatever. I'm too tired to talk about stuff right now.

And I'm begging you to be my escape.

2007-10-23T19:54:00.000-04:00

I did stuff. I got stuff done. It's amazing, kind of.

I had a wicked breakdown earlier. 'Twas intense. The whole sobbing, pounding-my-head-against-the-wall shenanigan (that's an awesome word, is it not?). Yeah. Kind of intense. And then, it's so crazy how just like...after a serious, hardcore tearfest like that, everything's okay. Seriously. My headache's gone, I just feel like I can THINK now. It's like...pouring everything out, and it doesn't really matter whether it helps (what I told my mom, that is) or not. It's just gone, so it's good.

Honestly, no exaggeration, I have no idea what I'd do without her. Probably'd just shrivel up and die somewhere. Chew my limbs off. It'd be bad, basically.

I wore a headband today. It was wooden and it had stars on it and it was cute. It's old, from like fifth grade, old school days. It made me happy, but the sides of it dig into my head hardcore and give me major headaches that kind of make me want to punch stuff. Profusely.

My mom gave me the parent/teacher conference update. Mrs. Thorlton isn't retiring until this year's fifth grader's graduate, because she has to put her son through college. That's good. And Mr. Maesch said I seem to like soccer more than the other girls, and my mom did her amazing Maesch impression, and I laughed my head off. But seriously, major glad somebody was noticing my effort. It's different when someone like John scores a bunch of goals, but I'M AN UNATHLETIC WIMPFEST. Don't even act like me scoring a goal is not a big deal. Because it is.

Yeah.

Then, I don't know what my other teachers said. She was just like, "Yeah, they all said you're a good kid. Quiet. But good." BORING. I want a teacher to hate me or something, just for my own entertainment. Or at least come up with something more creative than I'm good and quiet. BORING.

Gah. Oh well. Life is getting good, we've just got to get tomorrow out of the way, the doctor's appointment too, and then...two days of home-aloneness, pure fall break home-aloneness. TWO DAYS. I have a feeling tomorrow's going to drag because I'm gonna be clawing at the doors to get home. Hopefully we won't be writing quite as much tomorrow, though. So it might be kind of good.

Yep.

My head hurts.

2007-10-23T18:51:00.000-04:00

Today sucked. Quite a bit, actually.

It wasn't supposed to. It was supposed to be a good, quick, half-day. And I'm not sure why, but it dragged on forever. We took notes in Geometry, we had to do a paper in German, we had to write an essay in gym, we did another essay in English, and I have to finish my ASPIRE article for show choir.

Pulling piece of crap essays on me right before fall break, the losers. The only class I really enjoyed was yearbook, but we didn't do anything in there. Thus, the enjoyment.

Then, I came home. 12:30. Turned on What Not to Wear. Got on the computer to check my email. 12:45. Internet goes out. Internet stays out, until about an hour ago. So I try to sleep. I can't sleep. I'm either too hot or too cold. I try to write. My head hurts. So. I eat. And I eat. And I eat.

I'm aware this is a problem. I want to be perfectly clear about that. I just have no idea what to do about it. I've always been an EXTREME emotional eater. Everyone in my family is. But I'd always had some sense of self-control about me, you know. And now it's just like...I have none. It's awful. I hate it. I hate me.

Sigh, after tomorrow it's over. Even though I have a doctor's appointment...Ugh. Cancel it. I don't want to go. I'll tell my mom that. I did. She said I'm going because I constantly have aches and pains, but what? That's just me trying to tell myself how disgustingly unhealthy I am, how I'm falling apart because I'm shoving myself full of crap day in and day out and don't seem to care about it a single bit.

I want to go to sleep and not wake up in the morning.

An update, frankly, on this Cory situation

2007-10-22T20:51:00.000-04:00

I've enjoyed overusing the word frankly lately.

Because it's like a name, Frank, and an adverb, frankly. It's just like...I wish my name could be an adverb.

Anyway.

Like, I don't want this to sound stuck-up or anything like that. It's just, after listening to Mark's sermon about things we do that are wastes of time, I've thought about things that I do that take up time that could be spent focusing on something particularly better.

And I realized, just like I was wasting time with Michael, I'm wasting time with Cory.

But this isn't like...a final thing, like something happened and I decided to give up. I just realized that, frankly (heh), he's just not worth my time. True, he's not a jerk, he's not an idiot, comparatively. I say comparatively because even though he may be nicer for a larger majority of the time, he's still not mature enough to realize when things bother me - and I do tell him when things bother me - nor is he mature enough to understand why.

Because I keep thinking he likes me, Matt and I talked about it (sort of? Not like deep communication or anything, it was Matt), and when we got our pictures back during German he asked me to give him one for his wallet.

But I find myself not willing to stress over it right now, or even worry about it. Not like, I don't care, but just like I'm not really going to...let it overwhelm me like it has been, just because it's not worth it.

Okay. Thanks for listening to all that.

Sole full day this week = over.

2007-10-22T16:45:00.000-04:00

YESSS.

Once I found out that we're not doing anything (physical, we are writing something) in gym for these next two half-days it basically confirmed my love for it all.

Plus, get this, gym wasn't bad AT ALL today. Well, it was, but more good than bad. We FINALLY started playing soccer and GET THIS, I scored two out of my team's three points.

Because I totally pwn at soccer? Yes, yes indeed.

Not really, I just put in the effort because I REALLY love this game. It's one of my favorite to play all year besides badminton, which I suck at anyway. The only bad part of today was when Sarah was goalie, and she was throwing the ball back in. I'd tried to kick it and missed, so she was throwing it back in and I was like, a few feet in front of her. I actually asked her to kick it to me and she said no (we were on opposite teams, btw), so instead she kicked it to Shelby. And where did it land?

Right in my stomach.

I had literally no time to move out of the way, I was less than six feet in front of her. And POW, right in my stomach. Dear Lord, it hurt so bad. And what do I hear as soon as it hits me? This terribly obnoxious witch cackle from somewhere behind me, otherwise known as Briley laughing her head off.

I went after her, but it hurt too bad to run. And I was basically immobile for the rest of the game. I guess my stomach was bruised major, because when I tried to run, like...my stomach moved and it hurt a little, and whenever I stopped it felt like I was getting punched.

Only downside of today, yes.

We spent another lunch it Lively's room and it was amazing because Levi came in and Matt sung his rendition of Fergilicious (Levilicious) and, as I said...basically amazing. Plus Lively put his Hormel in the microwave for too long and totally screamed when he touched it, it was hilarious.

I love our little spell bowl clique. We pwn major.

Then, we got our pictures in German and I was so happy to find out that my mom checked the thing - I don't know what to call it? - where it's like, photoshopped so my skin is perfect and I have no acne. HAH. My glasses are still crooked and so is my smile but NO ACNE basically means a good picture.

I need to cut them out tonight. Cory wants one for his wallet. Yeah, that's right. HE ASKED. But since he acts like a pig I'm debating whether I want to give it to him or not. Like, sorry, I don't mean to sound picky but rednecks get on my last nerve. And I hate to say that, that he's a redneck, but well. It's J-ville, that's part of who we all are. It's controlling the urge to act like a redneck that's important. But I won't get into that. I'm tired of thinking about it. My head hurts.

Ah, also. Heard on the announcements today. I guess people are going to state for cross country, I think. Well, obviously - Anthony WON the semi-state race, like came in first. Is that amazing or what? I don't even know the kid, but that's remarkable. GO ANTHONY, WOO.

Practically, our school is amazing lately. Or at least seems to be. In reality, we suck major but, it's all right.

It's still way too hot to be the middle of October.

2007-10-21T17:39:00.000-04:00

Apparently the girls did win last night, we just didn't hear the sirens till about nine-thirty.

Go Lakers, even though half the volleyball girls wrack my nerves like no tomorrow.

Ahem, anywho.

CAN SOMEONE SAY SHORT WEEK?

Like, super short. One full day, two half-days, fall break. Basically, it's heavenly. I don't know or care what's going on tomorrow besides a test in German, which I am so totally not prepared for. I don't know, I'll figure stuff out tomorrow at school. Then, Tuesday are parent/teacher conferences. My mom has to do stuff as a counselor for most of that time, then she goes to talk to my teachers. My dad might be coming to that, but I don't know. He didn't say, but I don't think he ever does.

Then Wednesday, another half-day to make up for the teachers having to stay until seven on Tuesday, then a doctor's appointment that afternoon, THEN fall break.

Basically, I can't wait.

OH, and guess what I watched today? Well, almost. I saw like...the entire latter half and some of the beginning of it, because I was just flipping and saw that it was on A&E.

FORREST GUMP, MUCH. It pretty much completed my day. Pretty much. And there's my Sunday in a nutshell, except for that part when I went to church. I showed up for the first time in like, four weeks and NOBODY was there. Basically, it was depressing. And I was reassured wholeheartedly (though not directly) by our preacher that I am, indeed, wasting my life.

Hoorah.

I Did the Anthem Thing

2007-10-20T21:27:00.001-04:00

And it was good.

Once I got there and everything, I wasn't nervous at all. I could barely hear myself when we sang and my voice probably cracked a few times, but I know for certain that we weren't awful. And since that only added up to about 1 whole minute of the hour I was at school, well, it wasn't much. Basically, the rest of the time was fun. Sami gave EVERYONE that walked through the hall high-fives, even the people from the opposite team. When we walked under the bleachers to the other side of the gym, someone said it felt like the underground railroad and Nick was like, "Alexis, we're heading north!" We also plotted to take the food and tell Ms. Hodge it was ours, and then if they accused us of stealing we'd sue them for discrimination.

Basically, being black in an all-white school isn't half as bad as it's made out to be.

I saw Kylee there, which was great. I miss that kid so much. I wish she'd move back. She'd always make my day like, 1000x better, no matter what. Ugh, people moving sucks.

Now that that thing's over, I'm even CLOSER to the long-awaited and much-needed Fall Break. All I have to get through before that is a German test and a doctor appointment, then basically I'm home free.

FALLBREAKisLOVE.

Just hate to be a downer, but...

2007-10-20T14:28:00.001-04:00

I need to get something off my chest.

It's been bothering me since yesterday and last night, when I almost mentioned it to my mom. The only reason I didn't because after I "nearly" brought it up, I realized how extremely uncomfortable it would be so I just kind of brushed it away and told her to forget about it. She asked me about it a few times after that because I'd gotten her worried, but I told her it wasn't a big deal.

That's not necessarily the truth; it may not be, but then again, it very well could be just the same.

You see, yesterday during yearbook, Julie told me she saw my cousin, Kyle, yesterday. He moved to Indy at the end of seventh grade, so nobody sees him very much anymore. But this week was his fall break, so he was down here Thursday & Friday to visit his dad. Well, she was telling me she saw him walking so she stopped and talked to him.

First of all, Kyle's an oddball. He's got ADHD and one of the most intense personalities of anyone I've ever known. He can be extremely awkward sometimes, and you never know what's going to come out of his mouth. So I just kind of laughed when Julie told me about all the stuff he said - how he's emo and he's "really good" at skateboarding (he can, um, skid down the street a few yards). Then she said something that kind of set off an alarm with me. She said that he told her he cuts himself, and when she asked why, he said, "Because everyone else is doing it."

Now, whether or not to believe that is optional. Kyle's constantly making things up. But nevertheless, it worries me. Not just because he may be cutting himself, but because he's doing it obviously just because he's trying to fit in. My mom and I were discussing this a few weeks ago. Kyle is an extreme follower. He really does not use his ability to think for himself. And if he falls into the wrong crowd - which he obviously has at least somewhat, because I can almost guarantee you if he was still here he wouldn't be doing that - he would probably do whatever they were doing, and not give it a second thought.

Sigh. Now that I've got that all out, I feel like I do need to tell my mom. And well, she's not here right now, but later today. Just so she can call Sharon, and let her know what I heard from Julie just to make sure he's okay. I asked my mom if he was in counseling and she said he was, but she doesn't know if he still is now or not. And well, if she isn't sure... He probably needs to be. He needs guidance, and not from some retarded freshmen in Greenwood.

Eat, Laze, Do Nothing, etc.

2007-10-20T12:34:00.000-04:00

It really is an amazing day to just sit home and do absolutely nothing.

My mom just called about an hour and a half or so ago to say, "We're still in Linton. Are you sure you don't want to come with us and get out of the house for a while?"

I wanted to scream, "ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?" But instead I was just like, "Um, not really."

See, usually I do want to get out of the house on Saturday just because it can be so gosh-darn boring, but that's only because I get cooped up in my room because Jeff is either working in the garage or in the kitchen or outside and my mom is watching TV or working on her work stuff in the living room. But today, I can chill out in the living room and type and watch Nickelodeon and, basically, it feels like summer again. Except no daytime TV shows, but that's all right.

I dunno if I mentioned this or not already, but my mom got me a counseling appointment a few weeks from now. I don't know how I feel about it. First of all, I'm gonna miss school in the morning and get back JUST in time for gym. Lord almighty. That's the first downside. But as for the thing itself, it's with a new person and that's just terrifying. It was different, the first time I started counseling I was like...twelve. I was scared to death, I had social anxiety like you wouldn't believe, and it was just a bad time. And it seems like things have changed, but they haven't. I still find myself as scared as I was back then, I'm just better at covering it up. Or masking it with something else. I haven't really had to do anything like that since then, anything that would spur that suddenly anxiety on again.

I don't want to do it. But I need to. My mom's convinced of that. I'm convinced of that. Then again, I suppose it's just like everything else I need to do...just stop thinking about it and wishing for it and just do something about it, for a change.

Sigh. I'm so nervous about the anthem tonight, watch me screw up the entire alto section and ruin it. Meh. >_<

Done.

2007-10-19T20:07:00.000-04:00

I have my outfit for the anthem tomorrow, my mom has a counseling appointment set up...for 8:00 in the morning on November 6th, and I'm feeling a little better.

A little.

Just, acceptance is hard. Saying it is quite easy. Believing it is something else. I can say I'm fat. And I have. But believing it, not because I want to but because I have to, but because it's the truth...that's something totally different. We were in Kohl's today and my mom said, "Alexis, unless you can find an XL in the juniors', you're just going to have to find your shirt in the misses' section."

And I cried. And cried. And cried. All the way to Fashion Bug.

She didn't mean to hurt my feelings. Of course not. She was just telling me the truth. And it is the truth. It's not something I'm just making up now, so people can feel sorry for me. It's just the damn truth. And it does hurt, but well... Yeah. It's too bad. I just need to get over it.

I wanted to get new shoes today, but they don't go with my outfit and I'd have no other reason to wear them. They were just amazing pinstriped heels, is all. Sigh.

And I was tempted to try on this argyle sweater vest thing as a tribute to Mr. Lively, but that was during my tear-ridden fit of hysteria in Kohl's and I didn't really have the motivation to put my energy towards anything that I wasn't going to wear tomorrow, I needed all the focus on that.

There's this rumor that squirelly old Mr. Chesterfield has a 16-year-old son, which would mean he had a kid when he was twelve. Quite interesting, but unfortunately unbelievable. Shayna and Jon both told me, which isn't all that great of a resource to set claim to. Nevertheless its sparked my interest and I'm gonna start googling names of my teachers, just for funsies.

I get the house to myself (for part of) tomorrow. Woooo. And then the anthem, and then we're a day closer to a short, but needed Fall Break.

I Hate It All.

2007-10-19T16:38:00.000-04:00

I can't count the number of days in a row that I've came home feeling this way.

I'm tired of it.

You'd think I'm bringing it on myself, but I'm not. I swear, I haven't felt this horrible about myself in months. And it's been a really long time since I've cried like this during school, and it was for different reasons. Well, not entirely, but at least there was a legitimate cause back then and now I’m just making guesses. It shouldn’t be this hard for me to know what I’m feeling, and why I’m feeling that way.

It’s amazing how easy it is for me to be friends with him like nothing’s going on and at the same time, it’s so hard.

I’m so glad we had a pep session today, even though it sucked major, at least I could get away from everyone and didn’t have to pretend to be okay for a whole hour.

I don’t really know what to say about today. Gym was awful, because our team lost and the guys were whining and complaining about it so Maesch made us run suicides for about ten, fifteen minutes. It was horrible. Side-splitting pain, I’m telling you. And then, I’m all sore from yesterday anyway so…it kind of sucked even more. Man, do I miss junior high gym. Maesch makes Wernz look like a saint.

Why’s it so hard for me to move on from things? Why does there always have to be something wrong with me. And why do I have to dwell on it, why do I have to completely suffocate myself with all my problems and issues like they’re my fault, like they make me a terrible person, like they’re going to destroy my life.

It hurts that it’s so hard for me to just accept myself the way I am. Admit that maybe I do need help, face the facts so I can just move on with everything and stop torturing myself with it. Convince myself that there’s nothing to be ashamed of…that I’m not something to be ashamed of. Because that’s what all these tears are for, me crying because I’m ashamed of who I am and who I’ve become and knowing that there’s hardly any way for me to change anything that I feel bad about. My mom…I think my mom is calling right now to try to get me into counseling again. Only because I won’t tell her what’s going on. Because I barely want to tell myself what’s going on. It hurts too much. That’s really the only problem. It just hurts too much.

I do miss therapy a little though. I think it might help…I don’t know. I don’t know if she’s getting me with Tara again or not. Actually, I guess I don’t know if that’s even what she’s doing, I’m just making assumptions. Just hoping. Hoping that she’s finally had enough of me and is just ready to intervene, because God knows I’m not asking for any help myself.

We have to go buy dress clothes tonight for when I sing the Anthem tomorrow. God. It’s just something else I have to deal with, something else I don’t want to deal with. Buying clothes. Ick.

My last post was kind of strange and depressing, but I'll talk about my day instead of analyzing it.

2007-10-18T16:21:00.000-04:00

Today was kind of a major suckfest, but I dealed. (Dealt? Whatever, I’m a Hoosier and thus I retain my right to speak/type incorrectly whenever I choose.)

I mean…it started off all right. Normal, really. I had to finish up my geometry homework during geometry so I could get it turned in on time. We ended up doing algebra review today, which kind of sucked. Geometry is spoiling me major. I’m gonna hate it next year when I have to take hardcore math again. Eh, anyway. The stuff we did today wasn’t hard though, it was like geometry-infused algebra, which was actually kind of interesting.

Then, yearbook. Uh, today I had to print out my page in which I’ve done absolutely nothing with. And then I kind of had a major breakdown because…okay, this is going to sound stupid, but you’ve gotta understand I can be a psychotic nutcase sometimes. I’m not normal. I pay way too much attention to detail and little things freak me out, major. So, like. For the past two (three, maybe four) weeks I’ve been putting off asking Kat about my page. I needed to ask her because she was the other person with a club page besides Kelsey and Erin, and we needed to get sorted out which clubs we had and whatnot, so we could all do our pages. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. What’s so hard about asking someone a question? Nothing, and that’s why I’m a freak. But…somehow, I ended up building this anxiety about talking to Kat because I really don’t know her, and today it just exploded. I started crying, because I was mad that I’m not assertive enough to ask somebody a question for MY OWN benefit, when she’s sitting right behind me and all I have to do is ask her which clubs she has.

Suckfest.

I eventually got over it, somehow, and we got the whole thing figured out, but I didn’t get my page printed out. So at the end of the hour Hampton was like, “So I guess Kayla and Micajah and … are the only ones who want a grade?”
I was like, “Yep,” and walked out.

Do I care about my grade in yearbook? No. Erin didn’t print hers out either, and even though she’s a teacher’s pet and probably wouldn’t get in an ounce of trouble for it at least I’m not swimming alone (swimming as in, in the pool of non-page-printer-outers).

Then, in gym, we played CRAB SOCCER.

For those of you unfamiliar with the various oddball games we enjoy on rainy days in physical education, crab soccer is when we get into teams of four in a square that’s about a quarter of the gym floor. There are cones set up in each corner, to signify each team’s end zone. We play with this huge ball and have to crab walk around in the middle of the square while a few people stay back at the end zone and play as goalies, trying to keep it out. And since there are four teams, each point counts against a team, and the team with the highest score loses; lowest wins. Basically, it’s an elementary game. I haven’t played it since seventh grade, and we only played it once. It’s amazing, basically. I had so much fun today. It was a major break from all the soccer drills we’ve been doing.

Oh yeah, the reason we did this all in the first place was because there was some major stormin’ going on this morning. Actually, I was all psyched when I got up because the power went out and my mom and I were hoping it stayed out all morning and we didn’t have to go to school (she worked there today). Then, it turned back on while I was getting dressed with a flash light and that was the last batch of storms we saw today. There was supposed to be another major line coming in this afternoon, but I must’ve missed ‘em, ‘cause I didn’t see or hear a thing.

But we did go on lockdown today in German, though that’s another story. Basically, a drive-by shooting in Brazil. As in, the Brazil in Clay County. Oh my gosh, we’re in GREENE COUNTY, KIDS. I was so scared that something serious was going on, and/or that we’d be locked in there all afternoon because I seriously had to pee.
But I guess they realized it wasn’t a big enough deal and let us go.

Anyway, back to my day. Even though spell bowl is over, we still continue to congregate in Mr. Lively’s room basically because he’s amazing and we’re amazing and it all just kind of goes hand-in-hand. Brittney, Sami, and Levi all came in today to tell Mr. Lively they wanted to donate blood (the blood donation thing is sometime soon, I suppose) and when Levi came over to me with his paper to randomly tell me he was going to donate blood, I was like, “Nope. They don’t take gay blood.”

And he proceeded to huff and throw a penny at me. But it was worth it. I got a penny!

Then show choir was pretty fun too, we discussed saving ourselves till marriage and Levi’s virgin gay blood and Kayla’s “shants” and Sami waking up this morning and hoping I had a good day today and then Mrs. Rogers threw a water bottle at Kelsey and it was just good, clean fun. Or at least, good, semi-clean fun.

I thought I could make myself stop liking Cory for my own sake, but I’ve quickly realized it just doesn’t work out that way. Even if deep down inside I desperately want to hate him, there’s always the instinct for me to stare at the mirror in show choir and try to figure out what on earth is so wrong with me that everything keeps going wrong. Or what on earth everyone else has going right. Currently I’ve deduced that my skin tone is too bland, I have too much acne, I need a haircut, my eyes are too muddy and my eyebrows are too bushy and my nose looks too much like my Dad’s.
But those are a few of the physical things, honestly I could write a book.
Tomorrow’s Friday. Next week is fall break (Thurs. and Fri., at least). Praise the Lord.

I miss you, I miss you so bad.

2007-10-17T20:22:00.001-04:00

Heh, last time I listened to this song all I could think about was Michael. But lately it reminds me more of myself.

I've felt so out of touch with myself recently. I can't seem to balance anything in my life, and it seems as though every decision I make is the wrong one. I feel like a disappointment 24/7. I feel completely ashamed of everything I do. I haven't felt this self-conscious since like...seventh grade. It's horrible. I feel like I'm going backwards. Things had been getting better, a lot better, and now out of nowhere everything's spiraling down.

Not everything, really. Just me, come to think of it.

I'm so ready for this week to be over...I'm so tired of trying so hard and constantly feeling like a huge failure. I just want to stay up all night and watch movies and blow the whole school thing off. Not like, seriously blow it off but just kind of go and slack. Or at least do what I want to do. Barely pay attention. Try desperately to stay awake. I feel like I need one of those days. Though I'm sure everything thinks this past week and a half has been chock full of those days.

Whatever. I so don't care. But I'm sure everyone knows that by now.

I have tests, we have this mock trial tomorrow in English, a quiz Friday in biology, my vocabulary (unfinished/un-started) for biology, yearbook pages that aren't in any way completed, an A.S.P.I.R.E. article for show choir, the national anthem to perform this Saturday at the volleyball tournament, everything else that I'm forgetting.

And I don't care.